


same face in a different frame

by an_ardent_rain



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Pre-Slash, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-05-05 10:39:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 31,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5372303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/an_ardent_rain/pseuds/an_ardent_rain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Yosuke can no longer hear Jiraiya, the IT ventures back into the TV world to see what truths he's been unable to face.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is doing three things. 1. I read like every Souyo fic on this website and since there aren't any more I had to write some of my own. 2. It has been so long since I really wrote anything and I just want to flex those muscles and get back to writing again (and it feels great), so this is kind of practice getting back into the swing of things and regaining a consistent style. And 3. There was a third reason when I started writing this, but apparently I... can't remember.
> 
> This is basically a "Oh no, Yosuke has to face his shadow again!" fic and then dealing with the fallout of that, which will probably include smooching. Because of repressed feelings! Angst! Fluff! Other things! And I wasn't going to do multiple chapters! BUT THEN I DID. I'm sorry this is kind of short, but I feel like I would wait far too long to actually finish and having it "waiting" on me to update will probably provide some motivation. So there's that. 
> 
> Title is a random line from "Omen" by Disclosure feat. Sam Smith because I was listening to it as I was posting and I liked it, so.
> 
> Also using Yu Narukami just due to my own familiarity.

Yosuke’s head buzzes - a comforting, familiar presence now, always there in the back of his mind. It’s been louder lately, requiring more attention - more effort to make it stop, to ignore it enough to function like normal. It’s almost like Jiraiya is trying to force himself to be heard. The Investigation Team hasn’t gone into the TV world in awhile, sure, but they hadn’t had to. Yosuke had just been ignoring it. His head aches with a dull, intermittent throb, but he just squeezes his eyes shut and pretended he was fine.

Everyone was having lunch on the roof. Chie and Yukiko are sitting close together, bodies tilted inwards towards each other, giggling about something in loud, happy voices. Kanji is sitting next to Yu, staring longingly at Naoto. She is, as always, oblivious to his attentions, eating her lunch in dainty, efficient bites. 

Yosuke’s eyes slide over all his friends until they land on Yu, who is smiling, small and quiet, and meets his eyes. Yosuke blinks, the buzzing so loud now he can hardly hear anything outside his own head. Yu’s hands are folded elegantly in his lap and he’s still staring at Yosuke, something in his expression suddenly - surprisingly - unguarded. Rise, next to him, bumps his shoulder gently with hers, trying to get his attention. His face snaps back to a smooth blankness and he turns to Rise, who immediately launches into conversation.

The buzzing grows louder and louder, a tight knot of pain between his eyes. Yosuke rubs his forehead, nausea curling through his gut, his throat dry, and the constant buzzing louder and louder, his eyes swimming with hot, electric feeling.

There is a snap, and a cold wind he feels rush through him. And then the buzzing is gone.

Everything is quiet. Everything is so quiet. He hears the world through something, muffled, like he’s surrounded on all sides by some surreal curtain. Has the world always been this bright? This painful?

His face goes slack with distress for a moment, unable to process what is happening to him.

Jiraiya is gone. Jiraiya is _gone_.

He can’t stop himself from letting it stop on his face, from crumpling up, scrunching up tight in pain, teeth clenched so hard he can feel it all the way up to his ears.

Chie notices first. She stares at him. It’s as derisive as ever, but there’s concern coloring her expression. “Hey… Yosuke-kun? Are you okay? You look like…” She wrinkles her nose up and he brows furrow. “What’s going on? What’s wrong?”

“I, uh…” Everyone’s attention turns to him. He scrambles to his feet, fighting off a sudden flash of near-panic. “Uh, I’m fine,” he says, even if everything inside him was screaming _wrong, wrong, wrong_. “Just. Ugh, I feel sick all of a sudden.” He wraps an arm around his midriff, feigning an onset of pain. He winces and says “I better go. I’ll talk to you guys later!” And he runs for the stairs, leaving his friends staring after him.

It isn’t hard to get out of school for the rest of the day, and even if he didn’t think he’s sick, exactly, he certainly isn’t up to dealing with class and pretending he’s fine for the rest of the day. He snaps his headphones over his ears the first moment he can, turning the music up much louder than he would normally. Because there is a difference between silence and… _Silence_ , between the absence of noise and this vast, lonely emptiness inside him. He couldn’t hear, he couldn’t feel, he couldn’t…

Jiraiya is gone.

He walks home by way of the floodplain Everything is still too bright, every person he sees like a miniature sun, burning him, rays flickering against his skin if he passes too close. He can’t remember ever feeling so raw, so vulnerable, like he’s been turned inside out, the smooth, soft interior of him suddenly exposed to the harshness of the sun and the air. He shivers, but he isn’t cold.

No one is home when he arrives at his house, and that is a comfort, however small. He barely ate lunch, too concerned with what happened, but he’s still so nauseated he’s not sure he can handle any food. Being alone is hardly better than being around others, though, his world still with a terrible silence.

Yosuke gets a glass of water and drinks it down in two big swallows. He goes into his bedroom and turns on his television. He sits down in the chair at his desk and puts his headphones back on over his ears. He turns on his music and lets it play, but keeps the volume low. He doesn’t really want to listen, just to hear something, anything, a cushion of sound around him. He curls up as best he can and stares at the wall until he falls asleep.

(*)

He wakes up a few hours later to a tap on his shoulder. He jolts in surprise and falls out of the chair, landing in an ungraceful pile on his floor.

“Yosuke,” he hears, and he takes his headphones off his ears, pulling them down around his neck. His mother stands there staring down at him, her lips pressed thin and her hands on her hips. “Yosuke,” she says again, “what are you doing?” He gets to his feet, flushing red. “Why do you have those headphones of yours on if you were watching television? Not that you were doing that, since obviously you fell asleep. In a chair.”

“Sorry,” he says. He shuffles his feet and doesn’t look her in the eye. “I wasn’t feeling very well today.”

She shuts the TV off and her expression softens. “Would you like something to eat? Your father just got home.”

“Oh. Okay. That sounds good.”

His mother nods and leaves him alone in his room. Yosuke just stands there in indecision. He knows he has to leave eventually - he’s not even really sure why he doesn’t want to. He still feels empty, everything is still too quiet, but he has a feeling that here, in his own space, it will be easier to handle.

Maybe it’s just a temporary thing. He hadn’t even known he could have a persona in the first place, so it’s almost silly to wonder why it’s -. He thinks circles around the word ‘gone’.

He shares an uneventful meal with his parents. His father complains about work, asks him almost absent-mindedly how his studies are going. Yosuke gives the vaguest answer he can get away with and neither of his parents press the subject. He’s starting to feel unsteady again, too sensitive like he’d been on the walk from the school. He excuses himself with a short apology, saying he still doesn’t feel well. It’s not even really a lie.

The queasiness starts to subside a bit once he’s alone, but he still feels weak. This vulnerability is an unsettling new experience. He’s been lonely before, depressed, but never so… exposed. Was his persona keeping all those feelings at bay, or can he never feel normal without it now that he’s had it? Yosuke doesn’t know and with how currently shitty he feels it’s not a question he particularly wants to contemplate.

There’s no manual for this, no precedent that he knows of. It might be something that just happens sometimes - Yosuke doesn’t know. He scrubs a hand through his hair and thinks about calling Yu. If anyone could help, he probably could. But something holds him back - he doesn’t want to be the only one who lost his persona, doesn’t want to have to admit that somehow he fucked this up, too.

Especially not to Yu, who… His head starts pounding, harder, like something is trying to punch its way out. Thinking about Yu is not a good idea.

He turns off his light and crawls under his blanket. It’s too uncomfortable to sleep in headphones so he turns on his music loud enough to hear it and sets the headphones beside him, by his shoulder. Maybe he’ll be able to hear Jiraiya in the morning. Maybe when he wakes up everything will be fine. Maybe the silence will be gone and he won’t feel so empty, so alone, so insignificant and small and unprepared. Maybe -.

When he wakes up his music is no longer playing and the only thing he can hear is his own heartbeat, dull and sluggish and heavy in his ears.

The morning passes for Yosuke in a blur of suppressed panic. He’s going to go to school, because even though he still feels awful, the thought of being home alone all day, with nothing to occupy him, nothing to distract him from the gnawing wrongness in his head, is enough to mitigate the fears he has about school. At least there he’ll have Yu.

His fingers tremble around the buttons of his uniform and as soon as he is dressed he picks up his phone.

_“Hello?”_

“Hey partner,” he says, trying to sound normal - maybe happy, though Yu will probably be able to see through that. “Sorry to bother you so early…”

“ _It’s fine. Is everything all right, Yosuke?”_

“Can you hear Izanagi?” he asks, blurting it out without thinking. “Uh. Or not hear him, I guess, but feel him? You can tell he’s still there? Or that any of your personas is there?”

Yu hmms like he’s seriously considering the question. _“Yes,”_ he says, deliberately. _“I can.”_

“Because…” Yosuke chews on his bottom lip and switches his phone from one ear to the other. “I can’t feel Jiraiya. He’s… I think he might be gone, I’m not sure. He’s not around, not like normal, not where I can feel him.”

 _“Oh.”_ Yu sounds worried and it makes Yosuke’s stomach drop. _“Did something happen?”_

“I don’t know!” Yosuke tugs at his hair, trying to stave off his steadily rising panic. “Shit, dude, I have no idea what’s going on.”

 _“Just calm down, Yosuke, it’ll be okay.”_ Yu’s voice, as always, works to settle him. He takes a deep breath audible over the phone and Yosuke mimics it. _“When did this happen?”_

“Yesterday,” he says. He swallows, adjusts his grip on the phone, fingers so tight they were sore. “I wasn’t… I wasn’t sick yesterday. I just felt this snap, and suddenly Jiraiya had just disappeared. I feel weird. Hollow. Like I’m…” He swallows again and forces himself to keep going. “Like I’m not complete anymore.”

_“Yosuke…”_

It’s sympathy he hears in Yu’s voice, not pity, but that doesn’t make it much easier to handle. His insides still twist up and his mouth feels dry.

“You don’t need to worry,” he says, too fast. “I’m fine, all right? I’m fine.” He exhales, repeating it to himself. I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine. “But I want… I think we should go into the TV world, just to check. Just to be sure. You know, that nothing’s wrong?”

 _“Of course,”_ Yu says. _“How about after school today? I think I can get out of club meeting without a problem.”_

“Sounds good, partner. See you in class, okay?”

_“Okay, Yosuke. Bye.”_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had fully intended to include the showdown with Yosuke's shadow in this chapter, but it's already three times as long as the first one, and I think I found a decent stopping point. This only means the next part will come sooner! (I hope!) I have two huge projects so that either means I won't write much until next week or after Christmas, or I'll do nothing but write as a terrible form of procrastination. 
> 
> Please note that in this story Naoto identifies as female and I've used she/her pronouns. 
> 
> Not too much happens here, but we have the rest of the Investigation Team, so you can get a good feel for how I'm writing the characters and see if you want to stay on this ride.

Chie bounces on the soles of her feet like she’s in the middle of a fight. She looks anxious, her mouth pulled down in a frown and her hands clenching into small, tight fists.

“Well?” Yosuke knows he sounds impatient, but that’s a hell of a lot better than sounding afraid. “Can you do it?”

Chie looks to Yu for a split second, then nods. “Persona!” she shouts, and then Tomoe appears, as fierce and sleek and battle-ready as always. After a moment she fades and Chie’s jaw is set, determined. It might, Yosuke thinks, be relief.

They stand in a circle in the TV world entrance attached to Junes, and all the others do it, too, one after another. Everyone can summon their persona from Yu, down to Naoto. Yu and Teddie look almost sheepish, but everyone else just shares Chie’s relief. Whatever’s happening to Yosuke, it’s happening to him alone.

“Hey, senpai.” Rise is frowning, her arms crossed as she stares at the floor. “There’s something weird going on. In this world, I mean.”

“Yeah,” Teddie says. He lifts his nose and takes a big, dramatic sniff. “I smell it, too!”

Rise summons Himiko again and they all wait, tense, as she completes her scan. “The world’s started expanding,” she says. Her voice sounds small. “And it… It feels like you, Yosuke-senpai.” Himiko disappears and Rise meets his eyes. It’s a courtesy, he can tell, a way to try to lessen the blow. He tries to focus on her eyes - a rich, warm, hazel brown, that he’s always thought were pretty - but his heart is pounding and he thinks he knows exactly what she’s going to say.

He exhales. He can’t remember being more nervous than he is right now. “What do you mean?”

Rise bites her lip and her brows furrow. “I-it feels like a shadow.”

And of course that’s what it is, he knew it long before Rise said it aloud. How, Yosuke thinks. How is that possible when he’d already faced it? He’d dealt with his shadow once and it had been awful. And no, he hadn’t been thrown into the TV and he hadn’t had his own dungeon but that didn’t mean it had been easy and that didn’t mean he deserved to have to face it all over again.

Everyone is looking at him again, with expressions ranging from shock to pity. Yosuke can’t look at any of them and he whirls around, wraps his arms around his torso, breathes through his nose and tells himself it’s going to be okay. 

Because it is. It’s going to be okay. He’s got his friends now, he’s got Yu, and he has done this before.

“Well!” he says, turning back around. He puts a hand on his hip, the other pulling out one of his knives. “I guess I have to go take care of it, then. Nothing to it.”

“We.” Yu says. He steps up to Yosuke and puts a heavy hand on his shoulder. “We have to take care of it. We promised we wouldn’t go into this world alone, and I’m not going to let you run off and fight this by yourself, not when we don’t know how strong it is and not when you’re this upset. You’ll get hurt, Yosuke.”

“It’s my shadow,” he spits out, shaking off Yu’s hand. “I can handle it.” He looks nervously between all his friends. He doesn’t think less of them after their shadows and he knows that they’ll give him the same courtesy. Or… He hopes they will. He doesn’t want them to see it. He’s not trapped in a dungeon, and he’s not going to be fighting it anyway. He’s going to accept it - by himself, where no one else can see - and then get the hell out, and that’ll be the end of it. He’s the fastest, he can sneak in, face his shadow, and get out without much trouble. Even if whatever his dungeon is ends up being filled with shadows, he can avoid them - and that will be easier if he doesn’t have anyone else to worry about.

“Yosuke.” Yu has his arms crossed over his chest and he’s looking at Yosuke with a very unhappy expression on his face. His leader-face, Yosuke thinks. “You can’t go in there alone.”

“Sure I can,” he says, all false bravado. He’s going to, whether Yu wants him to or not.

“Stop being stupid!” Chie says. She looks even more upset than Yu. She glances over to Yukiko for support, and Yukiko gives Yosuke a stern nod. “See? We all agree!” She puts her hands on her hips and looks up, haughty. “You can’t go in alone.”

“I can,” he says, clenching his teeth, “and I will.”

“Like hell you will!” Kanji looks ready to charge at him, back bowed up and hands in tight fists at his sides. “You can be really dumb about a lot of stuff, Yosuke-senpai, but even you have to see this is a really bad idea. It’s a bad idea with your persona, dumbass, but without it you don’t have a chance.”

“H-he’s right, Yosuke!” Teddie says. And he doesn’t sound upset, he just sounds worried. “What if something happens to you? We won’t be there to help.”

He feels a curious mix of grateful and annoyed. It’s gratifying to know, to be reminded again, that he isn’t just projecting friendship onto them, that this group actually does care about him - incredibly gratifying, though Yosuke would never admit it aloud - but he’s not sure he’s ready to have his innermost secrets exposed in front of them. The first time he’d met his shadow, the sentiments had been hard to hear, but not exactly a surprise. This time, however, he has no idea why his shadow’s suddenly manifested again. There’s nothing he can think of he might be denying, he’s been so much better about dealing with his feelings. 

There is a nagging feeling in the corner of his mind, though. Something he never lets himself think about, somewhere he won’t let his mind go, and if it’s that, if it’s… _that_ …

Then there’s no way in hell - absolutely no fucking way - he can let anybody see it.

“I’ll take a Goho-M with me.” He shrugs. “As soon as I’ve faced my shadow - because that’s all I’ll do, just accept it and get the hell out - then I’ll use that and come right back here.”

Rise is scanning again. “Your shadow is really, really strong,” she says. “If you didn’t accept it, you’d… Yosuke-senpai, if we weren’t there with you to heal you, I think you’d die.” 

He drops the knife he’d been idly twirling and the clatter as it lands is too loud in the silence after Rise’s pronouncement. They’re all still looking at him and Yosuke wants to scream, feels it like a bubble rising up his throat. “I’ll be okay,” he says, voice rushing through the words. It’s no surprise his persona’s element is wind, and he feels like he might blow away. He doesn’t want to stand around talking and debating, he wants to jump into action, to move. He just wants to get Jiraiya back.

“Senpai…” Rise turns to Yu. “I think you’re right, and I don’t think he should go alone. But the dungeon’s not built yet, not completely. There aren’t many shadows. As long as he didn’t get into a fight with his own shadow, as long as he accepted it, I think he might be able to make it through.”

Yosuke’s heart leaps and yes, Rise’s right, he can do it, of course he can. Clearly he hasn’t been a Risette fan since nearly her debut for nothing. 

“That may be true,” Naoto says. She adjusts the bill of her cap. “But are we truly willing to take that risk? As much as I… believe Yosuke-senpai when he says he plans to accept the shadow instead of deny it, when faced with the situation he may not be able keep that resolve.”

“Have some faith in me,” Yosuke says. He tries to keep the hurt out of his voice.

“Facing one’s unacknowledged feelings is never an easy task.” She looks at him steadily, and he remembers that of all of them it’s been the most recent for her. “It is not about having faith in you or not, Hanamura-senpai. It is that we simply do not believe taking the chance you may be lethally injured is enough to indulge your wish not to be embarrassed.”

“It’s not…” He twitches a little and huffs and doesn’t look Naoto in the eye. “It’s not about being embarrassed! Well. It’s not just about being embarrassed.”

“You heard all of our shit, senpai,” Kanji says, and his voice sounds a little harder than anyone else’s has so far. “And sometimes you sure won’t let us forget it. Maybe you could give us the benefit of the doubt and believe we’ll put up with whatever crap your shadow says, too.”

They stare at each other, Yosuke and Kanji, until Yosuke breaks off and looks away. “Look, I’m sorry I was such a dick to you,” he says. “A-and I don’t doubt you guys, okay? I really don’t. But I’ve already had to do this once. Naoto-kun’s right, it was hard to face my unacknowledged feelings. And I thought I had already done that. It’s not my fault none of the rest of you were there and I know that’s not fair, okay, I get it. I got to see all of your shadows, and nobody but Yu saw mine. But I already did it. _I already did it_.” The air is still and in the lobby, at least, the temperature is always mild leaning towards warm, but suddenly Yosuke feels shot through with cold. Everyone’s staring at him and while normally he’d bask in the attention now it only serves to make him itch, all over, the hair on the back of his neck raised. “I already did it,” he says once more, “and it’s not fair that I have to do it again.”

No one speaks, but almost as one everyone but Yosuke turns to look at Yu. He’s looking at the ground, thoughtful, his brow furrowed. Yosuke sucks in a breath and waits. 

“How many shadows do you sense besides the big one, Rise?” he asks.

Himiko materializes in front of her, and Rise steps into the visor that wraps around her eyes. “No more than six or seven right now, senpai. At least… I think. Everything’s a little… fuzzy over there. I think Yosuke-senpai would have to be in this world longer for it to take full shape, but for now it looks like only a few smaller shadows are drawn to his shadow’s power.” She concentrates. her hands clasped at her chest. “It wouldn’t be hard to avoid them.”

Teddie gasps. “We’re not really letting Yosuke go alone, are we? It’s not safe, Yosuke will get hurt! I’ll be bear-y upset with you if you get hurt, Yosuke.”

“He’s not going by himself,” Yu says. Yosuke glares but Yu pretends not to see. “I’m going with him.”

“Yu…” Yosuke sets his jaw but doesn’t protest further. He knows there’d be no use.

“You sure that’s okay?” Chie asks, jerking a thumb over her shoulder at Yosuke. “I mean, I get that he’s your partner and all, but you don’t have to indulge him if you don’t think it’s going to be safe.”

“He’s not indulging me,” Yosuke says. He feels heat creeping up his neck. “He knows I’m right. I can handle it.”

“I’m not completely sure about that, actually.” Yu shrugs and shoots him an apologetic sort of half-smile. “But I don’t think fighting you on this is going to get us anywhere, and I’d rather be there for back-up just in case. You can’t use your persona, Yosuke. What’s going to happen if you wind up in a fight with one of the shadows?”

“Sh-shut up,” Yosuke says, rubbing his neck. “I already told you I was going to avoid them. Rise-chan just said I could.”

“You’re not going in there alone, Yosuke. If you don’t want me, then pick someone else to join you.” He raises one eyebrow. “In my favor, though, I would like to point out I’m the most tactically sound choice. Since I can summon multiple personas, I can handle a shadow with any weakness.”

“Yeah, yeah, you don’t have to brag,” Yosuke mutters. The atmosphere seems less tense and he knows that now Yu has offered an alternative plan there is no way he can convince any of them he should go alone. Not, of course, that there was much of a chance of that to start with. 

“So. It’s decided then.” Yu doesn’t look happy, but he does look determined. “We’ll all head over to the entrance, and then Yosuke and I will go in alone. We’ll have a Goho-M - which we’ll use as soon as Yosuke’s gotten Jiraiya back - and we’ll avoid having to face any other shadows. It’s not the best plan,” he says, looking over to Yosuke. Yosuke dutifully ignores him, staring fixedly on something by his feet. “But I think we can do it. Any objections?”

“I wish you the best of luck,” Naoto says with a little bow.

Kanji pumps a fist in the air. “Yeah,” he says, “just make sure Yosuke-senpai doesn’t do anything stupid.”

“I second that one!”

“Damn, Chie,” Yosuke says, “you don’t have to sound so cheerful about it.” She just smirks.

“You probably won’t need it,” Yukiko says, “but Konohana-Sakuya can heal either of you if you get hurt. I’ll be waiting as soon as you come out.”

“Thanks,” Yu says. He smiles at her and Yukiko returns it, warm and bright.

Yosuke rolls his eyes.

“Be careful, Yosuke,” Teddie demands. He’s wobbling nervously from side to side, his paws pressed together. “And listen to sensei!”

“I know, you dumb bear, you don’t have to worry.”

“I’m not worried! I just don’t want you distracting sensei when he’s trying to protect you.”

Yosuke raps his knuckles on the crown of Teddie’s head. “Why you…! I don’t need protecting, okay? He’s just coming as back-up.”

Teddie darts away from him. “You’re a delicate damsel without your persona, Yosuke!” 

Yu sighs as Yosuke gives chase.

“I’ve got the location, senpai,” Rise says. “We can go whenever you’re ready.”

(*)

Rise had not been exaggerating when she called the dungeon incomplete. It’s a modern-looking building, several stories high, but there are no distinguishing marks showing what kind of building, and the top floor is only half finished - one side has the same nondescript windows as the lower floors, but the other is missing a large chunk, the walls peaking up in jagged spikes like something huge, something with powerful jaws and sharp, unforgiving teeth, took a bite out of the building. The edges shimmer slightly and Yosuke wonders how long he would have to be there for it to be finished, and what it would turn into when it was.

The entrance resembles the front double doors of Junes, though, and he thinks he has some idea.

Yu gathers what they’ll need: the Goho-M, a few Vanish Balls, and a few of their last peach seeds. “Do you think we should take the mirrors?” he asks with a frown.

“Well, we don’t find them often,” Yukiko says, “so it might be better to save them. But then again it wouldn’t hurt to have them just in case.” She tucks her hair behind her ear and looks at Yosuke and pretends she doesn’t. “We don’t want you and Yosuke-kun to run into any trouble.”

Yu nods. “Just in case,” he says. “I’ll take them if everyone else agrees, and we’ll only use them if there’s an emergency.” No one voices any complaint and he pockets one for physical damage and one for magical damage. They’re small and silver, similar to a make-up compact someone might carry in their purse. “I think that should do it.”

He doesn’t say it, but Yosuke suspects he thinks it would be foolish to waste resources on a mission like this, a mission they woudn’t even have to deal with if it hadn’t been for Yosuke. Always a disappointment, he thinks, that’s what you can count on me for. “How many fights are you expecting to get into?” he asks. He sounds snappish, but he doesn’t care. “With the Vanish Balls it won’t matter even if we do get caught.”

“I just like to be prepared.” He squares his shoulders and nods at the others. Yosuke follows him forward, to the double doors that lead inside. The entrance swirls ominously in front of them. Yu readies his sword and Yosuke takes out his knives. 

Yosuke tries to tell himself that this is not a big deal, that confronting himself - the actual manifestation of his darkest thoughts and most deeply buried secrets - is the easiest thing in the world. He swallows. He bobs his head and breathes and lets adrenaline zing through his limbs in perfect time with his thumping heart. “Ready, partner?”

“I’m ready, Yosuke. Let’s go.”

They step through.

The barrier separating the world from the rest of the strange TV landscape isn’t really a physical thing, but passing through it feels similar to stepping through something viscous and rough. Like jelly, Yosuke thinks, or like sandpaper. The feeling’s unpleasant, but is over so quickly he barely has time to register how much he hates it. 

“Huh,” Yu says. He relaxes a little and takes a look around. It’s not immediately clear where they are. Yosuke had expected the inside of a Junes, to have to sneak between aisles and avoid shadows in the clothing department, but it’s not really anything like that. The hallway they’re in looks almost like a runway, glistening a hard, plastic white. There are lights along either side, and between the walkway and either wall there is a small step down. “Not really what I was expecting.”

“Shut up,” Yosuke says, though he’s thinking the same thing. “You’re not supposed to wonder about what somebody else’s… thing - dungeon, whatever - looks like. It’s rude.”

“Fine,” Yu says, taking a few steps forward. He’s paying little attention to Yosuke, surveying what’s around them instead. “I’m sorry I wondered what your thing looks like.”

Yosuke gapes at him. “P-partner! What the hell, you just say something like that out loud, like it’s nothing…” 

But Yu isn’t paying him any more attention. Yosuke swears under his breath and looks around, as well. Soft rock music plays quietly around them and everything’s bright, lit up with heavy overhead lights. The walls are a dull, clean sort of cream color, but they are all plastered with different signs and posters. Some are large, for bands Yosuke likes, and some are smaller, like glossy fashion spreads from magazines. There are even a few advertisements for Junes. He takes a closer look and sees that the fashion pictures seem to be of the same few people over and over. One is a voluptuous female body in a nurse’s uniform. She is gorgeous up to her neck, but where her eyes and nose and lips should be there is just smooth, flesh-colored blankness. 

She has no face. None of the people have a face. There is a girl in a school uniform that looks too similar to the Yasogami uniform to be anything else. Her hair falls in soft waves and he is uncomfortably reminded, like a punch in the gut, of Saki-senpai. But she doesn’t have a face, either. There’s a boy who reminds him of someone he knew in the city, a girl in a sporty outfit who could be Chie, a girl in traditional dress who he’s sure would be Yukiko if he could just see her eyes. There’s even a long-limbed body clad only in a bikini, and Yosuke isn’t sure what this means, isn’t sure if this is supposed to be a gallery of people he knows, or things he’s attracted to - except that guy, he thinks, that’s not right, can’t be right - but it leaves him unsettled, with a bad taste in his mouth.

Something else catches his eye. It’s a banner. It says “Sponsored by Junes!” on it in bright, yellow letters. There is a poster right under it that he didn’t notice before. It’s a picture of… It’s Yu, Yosuke thinks, going pale. It’s obviously Yu, face and everything, wearing a warm smile. Under his picture, in small type, the poster says “Special Guest Judge!” but Yosuke has no idea what it means. 

He stares for longer than he means to. Yu touches his elbow for half a second and looks at him with raised eyebrows. Yosuke shrugs and doesn’t quite manage to smile and tries to control the heat he feels blooming in his cheeks.

Suddenly there’s a click, and the music stops. A voice comes over what sounds like a loudspeaker. “Welcome everyone,” the voice - Yosuke’s voice, distorted and sharp - says. They both stand at attention, glancing around with quick eyes. There aren’t speakers visible anywhere, but projecting its voice wouldn’t be the strangest thing a shadow has done. “I’d like to extend a heartfelt thank you for attending the first ever Inaba Inner Beauty Pageant. You’ll get to see everyone’s favorite local disappointment, the prince of Junes himself, compete against the rest of Inaba!” The voice gasps, but he doesn’t sound sincere. “Wow, how exciting! And who’s our special guest judge today? Get ready for the big suprise, because it’s none other than Inaba’s newest arrival - the cool, mysterious Narukami-san himself!” Canned applause plays, and Yosuke looks around again, but he still can’t tell where the sounds are coming from. “Finally, we’d like to remind our audience that today’s pageant is brought to you by our generous sponsor, Junes! Come and get in touch with our products. Every day’s great at your Junes.” 

The voice clicks off, and after a moment of silence the background music starts up again. 

“This is humiliating,” Yosuke says, his chin dropping to his chest. “Holy crap, I didn’t think it would be this bad.”

“Cheer up, Yosuke,” Yu says. There’s something in his voice Yosuke can’t quite decipher. He hopes it’s not laughter - please, he begs, let it not be that. “No one’s here to see it but me.”

“Yeah, because you’re the judge or whatever the hell it is that shadow said.” He huffs and looks away. “A pageant? Really? Naoto-kun got a secret base and I get a _pageant_?”

He can still feel Yu’s eyes, boring into his back, but luckily he stays silent. “Rise?” Yu asks instead, talking to her through the link - probably telepathic, Yosuke thinks - she established through Himiko. “We’re inside. Can you sense any shadows nearby? And where is Yosuke’s shadow?”

“You’re good for now, senpai,” Rise says. Her voice echoes and Yosuke isn’t sure if he’s actually hearing it or if she’s projecting it right into their minds. “I don’t sense any near you. The big one is two floors up.”

“Good. We’ll start looking for the stairs then.” 

They move down the corridor - the runway, maybe, Yosuke thinks - keeping sharp eyes out for any wandering shadows. The doors are thick, industrial metal with cold handles instead of knobs. The first they come to has a placard stating it’s for the “talent portion,” and when they open it the room is full of costumes and musical instruments all piled against the walls. There’s a small, black trunk next to an old, acoustic guitar, and if this dungeon follows the rules of every other it’s probably got some useful item inside. Yu opens it carefully. The inside glows a bit, the air around it stings Yosuke’s nose. It might be magic, he’s not sure, but he’s imagined sometimes that these treasure chests have a distinct scent, sharp and fresh. There’s a small glass vial inside, rolled to the far corner, and carefully Yu extracts it. It’s a snuff soul, a stoppered tube filled with a cloudy, pearlescent blue substance that’s not quite liquid and not quite air. He sticks it in his pocket and they continue on.

The next room they come to is empty - it’s labelled as a dressing room - but the third has a shadow inside. It rolls its big, oily body across the floor in a languid slide. Shadows are hard to see, sometimes, even in this world, made for them. They all look alike at first, just hazy, nebulous drops of darkness skittering around the dungeon. It’s only when the notice someone, when the apathy and eternal wandering becomes lethal intent, that they start so sharpen. Then they take shape. Yu sees it before they even step inside, and he puts an arm out to stop Yosuke from moving any further and drawing its attention. The arm across his chest is solid and Yu’s hand is spread out, fingers splayed across his ribs. For the first time since they started Yosuke’s is fully cognizant of how nervous he is. They both take a step back, Yu drops his arm, and as one they turn and quickly jog away. They meet another shadow on the long stretch of hallway before the next door, but they double back and manage to avoid it. 

The final door is the one furthest away from the entrance. Normally the floors are much more labyrinthine, like navigating a maze, but the layout has been surprisingly straight-forward. Yosuke isn’t sure if that’s because of how his mind works, or if it’s because it’s been such a short time since this whole weird pageant venue dungeon was created. “You’re at the stairs, senpai!” Rise’s bubbly voice announces as they stand in front of the door - which is, perhaps a bit too appropriately, marked “Backstage Area - Crew Only”. Yosuke feels a rush, a surge that starts from deep within his chest. He’s so close. He can do this. He can almost feel the sharp sting of wind on his face as Jiraiya spins out a garudyne. He won’t be empty - his world won’t be silent - for much longer. 

He grins like a cat at Yu, and pulls open the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am failing at my goal of consistency in my writing. Ahh well. I edited this at work today, let's see how that went for me. 
> 
> To anyone wondering when in-game this takes place... Well, what a good question. After Naoto's dungeon. Before November. This is canon divergence, why are we worrying over silly little details like timeframe? Ha... 
> 
> I had a lot of fun trying to translate game mechanics into real-work practical versions - of the items, generic shadow form, etc. - so I hope someone enjoys that.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have stuff to say about this chapter, see notes at the end.
> 
> This is getting posted a little sooner than planned because... ahh ha ha spoilers? I still haven't gotten to the actual confrontation with the shadow! I don't have much of that written yet, so if it was the whole chapter, I probably wouldn't be able to finish and post until the 27th - so here's this, and then expect the rest on the 27th! It will still be about this length, if not a little longer depending. I think. Don't hold me to that, now that I think about it.
> 
> I would have finished this sooner, probably, but I had end of semester projects (still working on that...) and I wrote like 10 pages of nothing - I mean literally nothing - but Chie and Yosuke hanging around different parts of Inaba being pals and talking about being in love with their best friends. I might post that... at some point?

As soon as they step out onto the second floor, the eerie announcer is back.

“Ladies and gentleman, please find your seats, our pageant will begin shortly.” Yosuke can’t help a shiver of discomfort at hearing his own voice when he’s not the one speaking. It’s worse than listening to recordings, the sound grating and out-of-sync. There are three voices layered together: one high, one low, and one exactly - pitch and cadence and _everything_ \- how he normally speaks. “We’d like to remind our contestants to report backstage as soon as possible. We’d hate for anyone to miss the show!” He laughs so loudly, buzzing over the speaker, it rings in Yosuke’s ears. “And good news, it looks like our judge is here as well. We _certainly_ wouldn’t want him to miss the show, now would we?” He laughs again and then the sound cuts off and the music resumes. 

The same song from the previous floor is playing, Yosuke thinks, though it’s not anything he recognizes. Something is different about it, though, and it takes him a moment to realize that the tempo has increased. It’s faster, and the bass is a little louder, and there’s a pull, like something’s stuck a hook behind the cage of Yosuke’s ribs, tugging him inexorably forward. 

“We just have to get through this and then one more floor, right?” he asks. “That’s what Rise-chan said at the beginning, two floors above us.”

“Right.” Yu nods once and then starts walking. Yosuke follows a few steps behind.

This floor is nearly identical to the first one in its gaudy pageant trappings. The same posters are there, the same obnoxious advertisements for Junes, the same bright lights and white runway. 

As careful as Yu is, navigating with a caution he rarely bothers with, Yosuke’s bad luck wins out, and the second room they come to has a shadow. It notices them almost immediately - lets out a growl of interest, a short, creaky sort of sound, and then rushes toward them. They try to outrun it, but Yosuke turns a corner they hadn’t been down before and it leads to a dead end.

They both turn as soon as they realize they can’t escape, hoping to at least get in the first hit. The shadow’s no longer the half-formed spill of darkness, growing more concrete the closer it comes. Its edges are still hazy, though, and Yosuke’s eyes are drawn immediately - maybe through magic, he can’t tell, he only knows he is compelled to look - to the green, oval mask with two looping, swirling approximation of eyes. A black slash at the bottom - deep and hollow - mimics a smile and Yosuke’s palms itch until he has them firm around his knives. The mask is attached to the face of one of a pair of black dice. They loom closer, large and malevolent, and Yosuke realizes they’re ready to fight before he’s even really had a chance to get a good look at the shadow.

“Watch out senpai!” Rise says, her voice high and sharp with worry. “The shadow’s about to attack!”

The air around them changes. The dice shake, and a loud rattle echoes off the sterile, shiny walls - it feels like all the energy is being sucked towards the dice, pulling whatever source the magic of that world came from right out of the air. Yosuke hears a crack, and looks up towards the ceiling right as a bright flash of sizzling, electric energy shot down towards him.

“No!” He screams, his body seizing with panic. It’s an instinctual reaction after so long fighting with Jiraiya - wind does little to him, but electricity _hurts_ , far worse than ice or fire. Pain zings along every nerve ending as the attack passes through him, hot and jagged. It never gets easier, the shock that comes from an elemental attack, still as awful as that first time, unexpected and agonizing. The air has been snatched from his lungs and his body crumples, losing muscle control. The shadow’s ziodyne lasts only a second but there are aftershocks, little tremors still shooting through him, and his fingers twitch, unable to keep a grip, and his legs feel like plastic. Without Jiraiya’s weakness it is not as bad as it could have been, but Yosuke’s stomach heaves and he fights down the bile in his throat.

Yu helps him up off his knees, wrapping a hand around his forearm and pulling him up to his feet. “Rise,” he says. “Weaknesses?”

“I’m sensing…” A half second of silence follows. “Use light or dark!”

Yu nods and after a quick glance at Yosuke he extends his hand. A blue, shimmering card hovers above his palm. “Rangda!” He calls out, and in a flash of brilliant light a persona appears before him. It’s one Yosuke has seen before, a floating witch with skin shiny and red, like an apple peel or fresh spilled blood. Her hair is long and black and matted,and it trails toward the ground in reedy shanks. The torso is that of a woman but she floats above the ground and a golden face is attached at the waist, with two strands of four huge beads dangling like jewelry on either side. Her hands end in long, black claws at the tip of each finger, sharp and at least a foot in length. The very air around her feels tainted, poisoned with malevolence. But Yosuke can feel power there, too. Yu extends his arm out toward her. “Hamaon!”

Rangda extends both hands, the blackened, brittle nails pointing with military precision, like sabres, at the dice. Out of the corner if his eye Yosuke can see empty, white holes where the eyes should be, swirling with a pulse of sickeningly bright light. A line of gold appears on the floor underneath the shadow, tracing out a triangle with the dice right above its center point. Yu’s persona sucks in air - though Yosuke can see no mouth - making a sound like a death rattle as it pulls energy from Yu for its magic. Rangda undulates, moving faster and faster as three holy papers appear around the dice. They close in, and a wall of golden light appears, rising from the lines on the ground. Both Rangda’s middle fingers curl inwards, and the spell is cast. 

The light glows brighter and the shadow is expelled with the agonizing rush of sound, half an angry wind and half a scream.

Yu is panting when Yosuke looks over, the persona dissipating like mist back into his mind. “Avoid all the shadows?” he asks pointedly.

Yosuke shrugs. “You did fine with that one,” he deflects. “We’ll be more careful from now on. And, uh, thanks.” He winks and tries to smile with more good humor than he feels. “For avenging me.”

“Here.” Yu pulls something out of his pocket and tosses it over. 

Yosuke catches it, surprised. It’s a peach seed, small and round and rosy orange, with a delicate green vine curling around it. Yosuke stares back at Yu. “What’s this for?”

“You got hurt. Eat it.”

“It was barely anything,” Yosuke says. “I’m fine. We should save it for when we really need it.”

“You do need it,” Yu says. “You’re hurt. It was a ziodyne, Yosuke, that’s a powerful spell. Eat it, you’ll feel better.” His eyes soften and he says “I’ll feel better.”

“Come on, partner, don’t guilt me.” But he does as Yu asks anyway, and pops the peach seed into his mouth. It starts to melt almost immediately, turning warm and liquid. His whole body is suffused with a soft floating feeling, like he’s submerged in a warm bath. Barely a moment later, he feels as good as new.

Dust motes float above the floor, little particles left over from the battle. The air smells burnt, where the shadow disappeared, and there are three hundred-yen coins on the ground. Yosuke doesn’t know how the money always appears, if somehow it’s connected to the real world or if it’s the last dregs of shadow, some statement about human desire and greed - he’s not sure if the coins are even _real_. Yu, meticulous to a fault, picks them up. “We need to keep going,” he says, sticking the money in his pocket. “I don’t want to be here longer than we have to.”

“Right.” Yosuke shakes off the adrenaline from the fight and picks up his knives from where they’d fallen to the floor. He hadn’t even had time to put on his headphones for that one. “After you, partner.”

Yu heads down the dead end path they were on back to the main corridor. 

“That was an easy fight,” Rise says. Her voice over the link is full of naked relief. “I can still sense a few shadows on this floor so watch out, you don’t want to get taken by surprise again.”

“Agreed. Where do - “ But he cuts off as suddenly the line to Rise is filled with static. 

The shadow Yosuke’s voice rings out again. The background music is still playing and he sounds less composed - angrier - than he did before. “A quick reminder for our audience. There are no unauthorized recording devices allowed once the pageant starts, so I hope everyone remembers to _turn that off_!” The screech of microphone feedback fills the whole dungeon, and Yosuke claps his palms to his ears. “And once more, a thanks to our generous sponsor. Everyday’s great at your Junes!”

Then the voice is gone again.

“Rise?” Yu asks. “Can you hear me?”

“Yes, senpai, I can hear you. What happened? I could still sense you and Yosuke-senpai, but for some reason I couldn’t talk to you anymore.”

“It was Yosuke’s shadow. Everything’s fine, though, I think it only wanted to unnerve us. Any shadows nearby we need to watch out for?”

“No, nothing close right now. But I’m getting a reading for two shadows a little way off - probably two or three rooms down from you.”

“Okay, thanks, Rise. We’ll be careful.”

They move to the first door, labelled Props. Yosuke opens it carefully, but there’s no shadow inside. The walls are lined with junk. Packed cardboard boxes make up a bottom layer, but stacked on top of them piles of clothes, CDs, books, and other things - things that are obviously possessions - sit precariously, jumbled and in no real order.

“I think this is my stuff,” Yosuke says slowly, taking a look around the room. Some of it he definitely recognizes: two CDs he’s been listening to recently, a pair of pajamas, a piece of paper stuck to the floor that looks like some of his homework. Other things, though - older things - he can’t remember seeing before. He’s not sure if these are things he’s owned at one time and just forgot about, or if his mind is filling in the blanks with things just randomly generated. 

“Probably so,” Yu says, “considering.” He points over to another trunk in the back of the room. It’s sitting on top of a small pile of laundry. “What about that?”

“Obviously not that,” Yosuke says. “Go ahead and open it.”

So Yu does. There is a single key inside, small and golden, that looks like it would fit perfectly in the keyhole of a similar trunk. Yu pockets it with the rest of the items he’s carrying. He’s still bent over the open trunk, though, and Yosuke sees him reach out and touch one of the shirts the trunk is sitting on. “These are definitely yours,” Yu says. “I recognize that shirt.” Yosuke watches him, mouth dry, not sure why Yu’is fingertips brush the fabric again as he stands.

(*)

They run into another shadow but this time they aren’t caught off guard. Yu pulls out a Vanish Ball - a small, glassy marble with a twist of dark color in the middle. He throws it down towards the shadow, and a purple cloud starts to seep out of it. The smoke envelops the shadow, with wisps like thick fingers grasping it until there is only a cloudy, purple haze and then nothing. The little marble, now clear, rolls away.

There are three more rooms after that, none with anything apart from the pageant’s set dressing, and then finally they find the stairs. 

“Finally,” Yosuke says. It’s getting warmer and he’s starting to feel light perspiration on his neck and behind his ears. He takes his glasses off for a moment and wipes his forehead with the back of his hand. “I’m ready to face that bastard and get this over with.” 

“Want to do the honors?” Yu nods at the door labelled ‘Pageant Director’ in front of them. Yosuke grabs the handle. For a moment he pauses, fingers gripping the cool metal. Yu is standing so close Yosuke can feel every exhale, and the warm thrum of a living body only inches from his own. He nods and pushes the handle down. With a click, the door opens. 

The stairs are the same glistening white as the floor, but they’re dulled instead of shiny, in a dimly lit stairwell with industrial gray walls. There are no posters or banners, no color of any kind, just flat metal on the walls with metal bolts on the edge of each panel. The stairs go up for longer than they should, he thinks, climbing higher and higher in a slow, wide spiral. A sudden noise echoes in the stillness and Yosuke whirls around to see the door click back into place behind them. 

“Eerie,” Yu murmurs.

The stairs from the first level to the second were a similar sort of nondescript. They hadn’t felt so portentous, though, the atmosphere there hadn’t been heavy and sour, weighted with some sort of anticipatory pressure. Is it the world that’s making him feel this way, Yosuke wonders, or are his nerves affecting the world?

Yu moves, and the tip of his sword scrapes the ground. He scrunches his face up as he looks down, as though his inattention to it was the sword’s fault. Yosuke feels a little steadier, and he puts a foot on the first stair.

“How high does this go?” He asks, staring up towards the ceiling. There’s some sort of light source up there, a flood-lamp, or some round, fluorescent bulb. “It’s only supposed to be one flight.”

“Everything here is strange,” Yu says. “I don’t think things work like they’re supposed to.”

Yosuke nods. “Right.” He puffs out his cheeks and lets out a quick stream of air. “Well, partner, guess it’s time to go.”

Yu nods back at him. “Time for the boss level,” he says and Yosuke glares at him because he does not need a reminder of the void quest dungeon, and also because Yu is a dork. They start climbing, Yosuke in the lead. The quiet is oppressive, but neither speaks. Yosuke knows it’s absurd to think he might be getting light-headed just from the climb, they’re not really high up and the air isn’t thinning, but he feels strange, his mind clouded and fuzzy.

The light gets dimmer and dimmer they higher they go, and the stairs start to narrow. Three people could walk abreast on the first few steps, Yosuke remembers, and each step was a dull white flecked with tiny spots of iridescence, like a broad, flat plane of marble. But now he has to tuck his elbows in to keep from brushing the walls. He didn’t notice the walls moving closer, hadn’t noticed anything strange as he stared up from the bottom, other than how many stairs there were, but he hardly has room to breathe now, the space steadily growing smaller. He stares up at the ceiling and sees a tightening circle of low, ghostly light. His legs are still moving, will keep moving until they can’t, until the world fades into darkness and he’s stuck on that endless staircase going up and up and - 

Yosuke stops, abruptly, in front of a plain door. It is steel gray, with a frosted pane of glass inset just above his eye level. The light is dim but plenty to see by, and the stairs are wide with a clear beginning and end. He’s standing on a small landing, and Yu bumps into him almost immediately, unable to stop his momentum. His hands land high on Yosuke’s hips as he steadies himself. He removes them in the time it takes Yosuke to blink. Yosuke wonders how solid Yu would be if he leaned back against him - if he would feel firm and warm and real. He doesn’t move; he stares at the door handle instead.

“Open it,” Yu says. His voice is quiet, but it’s the only sound around them and Yosuke feels it like a shout. 

“This place is starting to get to me,” he says instead of reaching for the handle. “Worse than anywhere we’ve been in the TV.”

“Maybe because it’s yours.” He sounds patient, his voice reasonable and kind and it should - as it always has before - calm Yosuke, but instead whatever tension he’s feeling ratchets higher. 

“Yeah,” he says. “Maybe because it’s mine.”

He needs to move, he realizes, instead of just staring at the door. But Yu runs out of patience before he gathers the initiative and one arm snakes past Yosuke to grasp the handle. Yu pushes it down and pulls open the door. Yosuke can’t maneuver away, and it pushes him back into Yu, crowding them together. Yosuke jumps a little, most of his body flush against Yu, and he moves quickly to the left, trying to get out of the way. Yu moves right and forward at the same time, ignoring or not noticing how flustered Yosuke is by the whole ordeal. They step out of the stairwell back into the bright world of the pageant. Yosuke’s heart speeds up and it takes him a moment to notice it’s because of the music.

The bass on the third floor pounds so heavily that it’s all Yosuke can feel. It runs through him, catches his heartbeat, and he almost can’t tell if he’s nervous or excited. Mostly nervous, he thinks, but there’s an anticipation there as well. They made it. It’s partially the music, partially the feeling - the knowledge - that this whole world was built by him. Or for him. Whichever the case, he can feel a deep if unsettling connection, and there’s a feeling like static in his head. It’s not from Rise, it’s his shadow. He knows. They’re near.

The floor runs down a long hallway from the stairs, with no doors visible on either side. At the very end, however, the floor ends and there are three shallow stairs leading to a wall of read curtain. They start down the hallway. Yosuke picks up the pace almost immediately, quick strides turning to a jog and then a flat out sprint, his feet pounding against the floor, his attention narrowed to the single point ahead of him. He feels energized, and though he dreads facing the shadow, he’s glad Yu is with him - he’s not alone now, and when Jiraiya is back he won’t ever have to be alone again.

He slows as he approaches until he’s dropped back into a slow, steady jog. He stops when he gets to the small set of stairs covered in velvety black carpeting. The music pumps loud around him and Yu is at his back. He steps forward, deliberate, and then parts the curtain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a bulleted list! Skip if you want, I bet no one cares about this but me.
> 
> -I decided when this is set, which changes EVERYTHING. I was planning, after the shadow confrontation, for Yosuke to avoid Yu and make things weird with the IT, and then have Yu woo him with super dorky confession notes and drawings of cats and Nanako. But then I decided to actually cement the timeline for this, which I decided was in October, after Naoto's dungeon, so I set the first chapter when they all have lunch the day Yu gets the mysterious note and the end of exams - so I have to rewrite the first chapter a little to include that. I guess I don't have to, but I'm going to for consistency. If you've read it and it mentions exams or something then my edits are complete and ignore this note! (Right now, just pretend that Youske was too distracted to think about exams, and Yu just hadn't mentioned the letter or they were done talking about.) But that means that I can't have the super ridiculous cutesy story I wanted. Siiiiiiiiigh. So expect long-fic, and dealing with November and December with minor divergences probably! And I guess the culture festival, too, actually.
> 
> -Since this fic is basically just an automatic rank-up to max Yosuke's social link, having a persona of the magician arcana actually wouldn't make a difference, but this Yu is a Yu who is prepared, so he has magicians everywhere in his persona mind-holster. 
> 
> -And speaking of that, the Rangda he uses got Hamaon from Dominion when he fused it with Succubus.
> 
> -The shadow they fight is Mind Dice - which is Fortune arcana, not Magician, but it had ziodyne, was about the appropriate level, and I HATE THE DICE BECAUSE OF LAST RESORT so I wanted to use them. I used stats from Persona 4 and not Golden, if you're wondering - which is where I got its weaknesses, abilities, as well as about how much money it drops.
> 
> -Speaking of that, this isn't the universe of Golden so Marie isn't here. For two reasons! One, I played and finished P4 but I am still finishing Golden, so I didn't feel as familiar. Two, I... sort of forgot about Marie. So there's that. I actually don't think it will really impact the story.
> 
> -There will probably be Chie/Yukiko side pairing at some point! Maybe! In my mind, there is always Chie/Yukiko, but it may not be explicit or realized in the story, we'll see.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yosuke confronts his shadow again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow remember when I said this chapter would be up not long after the last one and then it took nearly a year and a half ? Yeah, good times...
> 
> Please don't have high expectations. But for now enjoy! More notes at the bottom.

As soon as Yosuke walks through the curtain he sees himself. It’s his shadow, eyes golden and hooded under the bright lights, wearing a sneer like a dark slice across his face - it’s an expression Yosuke hopes he’s never actually worn.

Shadow Yosuke is sitting on a winner’s podium, his legs dangling toward the ground. The podium is a clean white, with the places - 1, 2, and 3 - in gilded gold lettering on the side. There’s nothing in the second or third place spots. There’s nothing else in the big room at all, really, apart from the same decorating they’d seen throughout the dungeon. Even the music is quieter, just a faint pulse on the edge of his awareness. It’s big and empty and ominous - this is it, the room seems to say, you’ve reached the end of the line. 

“Finally,” the shadow says. He clicks his tongue. “Man, I’ve been waiting forever for you to get here.” He hops off the podium and lands on one foot. The other rests behind him, toe on the ground. “Welcome to the Inaba Inner Beauty Pageant. Looks like our first contestant is here, and he brought our special guest judge with him, too!” He sticks his hands in his pockets and his sneer turns up towards amused. “Ready to play?”

“Sh-shut up!” Yosuke says. Yu is behind him, a firm, steadying presence, but Yosuke tries to ignore him. He wants to take comfort in his best friend being with him, but this is something he wants to do himself, something he has to do himself. And even though he tries not to, all he can think about is what his shadow will say. He tries to steel himself. Things might get ugly, but he can handle it. He’s done it before, and whatever his shadow has to say now - whatever it might say, because Yosuke can’t begin to imagine this time around - surely can’t be much worse. “I’m not here to play your games, and I’m not going to deny you. Just say what you have to say because this time I’m going to accept you, and I’m getting Jiraiya back.”

“You’re the only contestant here,” the shadow says, and his voice is poisonously soft. “So you’re guaranteed to win.”

Yosuke steps forward and clenches his fist. “I don’t care about winning some stupid pageant, okay? Just say what you’re going to say, so I can accept you and get out of here.”

“You don’t care?” His smile grows dark and angry, and the eerie yellow eyes gleam. There’s something vicious in his gaze, and Yosuke’s resolve wavers. “You don’t care? Maybe you don’t care about victory here, that’s true, but we both know how much you care about the judge’s opinion.” He lets his eyes slide over conspicuously to Yu. 

No, Yosuke thinks, No, no no, not this. Anything - anything but this. Don’t bring Yu into it! Yosuke has always been a little more self-aware than he lets on, but he’s also excellent at denial. Ever since facing his shadow - his first shadow - he had made a concerted effort to acknowledge his own feelings. And he thought he had done a good job! He can’t imagine why his shadow has manifested again, not when he was doing so well. He is dealing with Saki-senpai, he’s dealing with his flaws and insecurities, he’s making friends, and he has Yu. Yu, who is the best friend he’s ever had, the most interesting guy he’s ever met. But clearly Yu has something to do with what’s happening. Or Yosuke’s feelings about Yu have something to do with it, but he can’t imagine what.

He swallows and wonders how he’s supposed to admit something he can’t even put into words in his own mind.

“Oh partner,” the shadow sneers, having apparently grown weary of Yosuke’s continued silence. He moves closer. He’s facing Yu, who’s standing behind Yosuke to the right, but his eyes are on Yosuke. “You’re so smart, so special. Everyone loves you. And what’s not to love? You’re cool and collected, you can do just about anything - you can even use multiple persona.” Yosuke’s skin crawls as he listens to the shadow, but he still isn’t sure what he has been denying. The shadow, however, doesn’t make him wait any longer. “But what about me?” it says, whining, mocking Yosuke. “Where’s my share? Maybe I’m not as cool as you, but I transferred here, too. I’m from the city. Once people got to know me I could be just as cool and interesting, but no one ever pays me the same attention. I just want to be acknowledged, too. Without the TV world, Chie and Yukiko never would have been more than acquaintances, and after breaking Chie’s DVD I probably ruined even that. Without you, partner, I wouldn’t even have friends.”

Before he can continue, Yosuke breaks in, one hand clenched in a fist and raised. “Okay,” he says, “Okay, stop. Stop! I get it now, what I never could understand before.” He doesn’t look at Yu. “I’m… jealous,” he says. The word burns his mouth but as ashamed as he is of it, he can’t deny that it’s true. “I didn’t want to admit it, but I am. I’m jealous of my best friend. He has all the things I wanted and it seems like he doesn’t have to work for it. I didn’t want to acknowledge my feelings because I was ashamed, because Yu is my best friend and I hate that I resent him just a little for fitting in better than I ever could, especially in a town where I never thought I’d enjoy being. Where I never wanted to be in the first place.” 

He’s almost out of breath when he finishes and he watches his shadow, waiting for something to happen, for Jiraiya to reappear. But seconds pass and still there’s nothing. His throat closes up and he realizes that it’s still not over. There’s a glint in the shadow’s eye, something Yosuke doesn’t quite recognize. It makes his stomach go sour. “That’s part of it,” the shadow says, “but don’t think you’re going to get off that easily. That’s not the only thing you’re jealous of.”

“Wh-what are you talking about?” Yosuke asks. He still can’t look at Yu, who is silent - and presumably still - behind him.

“I want you to acknowledge me, partner,” the shadow says, mocking him again. “That’s why we’re partners - you’re not subordinate, you’re not just on the team, you want the two of you to be equals.”

“Yeah. We’re… partners,” Yosuke says, losing a bit of steam. “That’s right.”

The shadow smirks, its mouth tilted in a cruel slant. “Then why does everyone else get so much of his time? You want him to see you as equal. You want him to see you.”

“Stop,” Yosuke says before he can stop himself, the word carried on an exhale, pulled out of him without thought or consent. He steps forward and his shadow’s eyes gleam, haunting and golden. He swallows reflexively.

The shadow laughs and Yosuke’s chest tightens. There’s no way Yu can fight the shadow, not alone. He has to accept it - there is no other option. And he knows that, reminds himself over and over that his shadow is a part of him: I am you and you are me. “He’s so cool. All the girls in school like him. I wish they liked me, too. And I wish they would leave Yu alone. Don’t they know he’s my best friend? Don’t they know he’s mine? I don’t want to share him. I want all his attention right on me.”

“That’s not…” Yosuke takes a step back before he can stop himself. “You’re twisting it!” He’s grateful, too, that Yu hasn’t said anything so far, but he can’t help the deep thrum of embarrassment that leaves his face hot and his palms sweaty.

The shadow’s voice is so soft, a dangerous, poisonous kind of sweetness dripping from the words. “So you’re denying it, then? Denying me?”

As much as Yosuke hates to hear it, the shadow’s words make the dungeon’s decor start to make a little more sense. If he wants Yu to see him… To put him above everyone else… “I’m not denying it,” Yosuke says, looking away from the shadow. He stares at the stark, sparkling whiteness of the floor, clenching one hand into a fist at his side. “But you make it sound like - “

“Like what?” the shadow interrupts. His body is relaxed and languid now, almost victorious. Like he knows he’s won. Like he knows that whatever’s coming, Yosuke won’t be able to admit to the truth. “I’m making it sound like you’re jealous? Like you want partner all to yourself? Isn’t that the truth?”

“W-well… Maybe,” Yosuke says, still having difficulty accepting what the shadow has said but not wanting to deny it outright. “But we’re just… He’s my best friend. Not…” Yosuke glances over at Yu for just a moment and hates himself for it. “Not anything more than that.”

“Right,” his shadow says with a sneer. “Because after all that stuff you said to Kanji, there’s no way you’d have the same problem, right?”

“I don’t!” Yosuke cried. He’s aware he sounds close to desperate, but the words are pulled from his mouth, almost beyond his control. He’d give anything for Yu to be gone, anything, and all he can think about is getting his shadow to shut the hell up. “I’m not like that, okay, and I don’t like him like that.”

“It’s okay when it’s your best friend,” the shadow said. “You already spend so much time together, and you’re so close, it’s not unusual to feel comfortable around him. To want to touch him.”

“Sh-shut up!” Yosuke said. His eyes stung and he clenched his teeth together. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

His shadow ignores him. It’s eyes glow brighter, and the air around it shimmers like summer heat off the pavement. “Why are all those girls always flirting with him? He doesn’t need them, he has you. Aren’t you enough?”

“Please…” Yosuke says. He swallows, but it doesn’t rinse the shame from his mouth. “St-stop it…”

“It’s easy to see what the girls see in him, though, isn’t it? What they never saw in you. He’s so smart. And so special.” The shadow pauses and licks its lips and looks at Yosuke with eyes like blades. “And, uh. So handsome, too.”

Yosuke winces. His mouth is dry and he’s at a loss for words. What can he say? Even though a part of him is screaming that the shadow is wrong, he can’t deny that there’s at least a small amount of truth. Yu is special, that much he knows, that much is self-evident. Yu is special and the sky is blue. And Yosuke is proud to be his friend, has always been proud that he found someone he can rely on, a best friend, a partner. And it didn’t take long to see that Yu is also really smart. And, yes, he has eyes, he can see as well as anyone else that Yu is also handsome. That’s not the problem - Yosuke can recognize attractiveness without actually being attracted to the person. But lately - especially when Yu smiles - Yosuke’s been more than just recognizing Yu is attractive. He doesn’t think about Yu the way he thinks about anyone else. 

Yukiko, for instance, is objectively gorgeous and maybe he’d been interested when he first got to Inaba, but that had long since passed. She’s beautiful, but she’s also Yukiko. And Teddie’s person-body is well-formed Yosuke supposes, and Kanji’s pretty ripped for how slender he is. But Yosuke isn’t remotely interested in them, or attracted to either one at all. Naoto is… Yosuke’s not sure about Naoto, but it seems to work for a lot of people. Chie’s a little more complicated because she’s cute and he might still be a little attracted to her for all they argue - because of how much they argue sometimes, since he might as well be honest about it - though thinking about all the times she’s attacked him puts a damper on anything else. Rise he’s legitimately attracted to, but he doesn’t really want to do anything about it - not that she’d be receptive if he tried. He feels guilty sometimes that he’s supposed to be her friend and he still finds her so gorgeous, but as long as he’s not creepy about it, and he tries hard not to be creepy about it, he just tries to ignore it. Dating her would be too weird, anyway, and due to her total lack of interest in him and on-the-verge-of-an-obsession with Yu that would never be an option.

So, yes. Yu is attractive. Yosuke knows that. Yosuke has always known that, and he was fine with being aware that Yu is good-looking. Except… Suddenly something had changed. He started thinking about Yu the way he thought about Chie, and then Yu started being good-looking in the way Rise is good-looking, a way that makes Yosuke’s palms sweat and his mouth go dry. And then things got worse, because Rise is beautiful but unattainable, but Yu is always right there.

Yosuke wants to touch him. This is not an entirely new impulse. Ever since that first humiliating moment, when Yu helped him out of the trash, the warmth and connection that came from clasped hands, a friendly nudge, even an accidental touch when they were sitting near each other sharing lunch has been something Yosuke craves. What is new, however, is how conscious he is of it, how something he can’t explain makes his hands itch to reach out and touch Yu. He thinks about it sometimes, in the most abstract way he can, what that pale skin might feel like under his fingers. He wants to run his hands through that dumb silver hair and maybe - maybe - hold his hand and pull Yu against him and he thinks, now that he’s allowed himself to think it, now that he’s found the words to describe that strange pull in his belly, that maybe he wants to kiss Yu. That maybe that would be nice, or more than nice, a heat that would lance through him and leave him pure and whole and empty of anything but Yu, Yu, Yu. The realization hits him hard, and he has to catch his breath. He wants to kiss Yu so badly it causes him physical pain, an ache he can’t ignore any longer. Yosuke falls to his knees, his eyes stinging and wet, his mouth gaping open as he stares at his shadow. 

“You’re jealous,” the shadow says. Its arms are crossed over its chest but it looks less hostile now, like it knows what’s passed through Yosuke’s mind. And - of course, he thinks, of course it knows. I am you and you are me. His shadow. His other self. Yosuke feels it like a physical blow when the shadow says “Because you like him.”

Yosuke hears a quick, quiet intake of breath that must be from Yu. 

His voice breaks as he says “Yes,” and keeps his eyes trained on the floor. “Yes,” he says again, “I… I do.” He slumps forward and his hands curl into fists on the shiny, laminate floor. “I’m really something, huh? After all the grief I gave Kanji about his shadow, I’ve got to face the same damn thing.” He’s crying, he thinks, his face hot with thin tracks of tears wet on his cheeks. “I didn’t even realize what this was about at first. Ever since my shadow, or… The first time I faced my shadow, I tried to acknowledge my own feelings. I didn’t want to keep stuff that painful bottled up anymore. But this? I was so far in denial I didn’t even realize I had these feelings to deny. But I… I do.” His shoulders hunch forward and his voice grows smaller. “I like Yu. I really, really like him. And I’m ashamed of how I feel. And I’m scared of screwing up our friendship. I don’t want to be… like that.” 

He doesn’t have a handkerchief so he wipes his nose on his sleeve and looks up. His shadow steps forward and their eyes meet. A high, whining noise starts up, quiet at first but growing louder and louder until his ears are ringing. His shadow extends a hand and Yosuke takes it, lets the shadow pull him shakily to his feet. The noise is so loud now it’s all he can hear, all he can think about, and the edges of his vision are going white as his head pounds. 

“J-Jiraiya…” he says, something like laughter joining in the sound in his mind, and the shadow nods and then snaps apart, a shower of light left behind, incandescent and warm. He looks down to where their hands were joined and sees the card representing his persona. The magician arcana. The noise begins to recede and Yosuke’s headache clears. Without thinking, he summons Jiraiya. There should be more relief, he thinks, at being whole again. And he does feel it, a bubbling sort of warmth in his chest, a soothing presence slotted into place in his mind. But more than anything he feels raw, all the rotted, secret parts of him scraped out and left on the floor. With his best friend, the person he likes - the boy he likes - staring, at both his secret feelings and the empty shell left behind.

“Yosuke…”

A hand touches his shoulder and he whirls around, eyes wide, to face Yu. No, he thinks, no, no, no, he doesn’t want to deal with this, not now. Not ever. He steps backwards, putting some distance between them. “W-we did it,” Yosuke says. He swallows and hates the sound of his voice, weak and desperate. “I got Jiraiya back.”

Yu’s eyes go soft with sympathy and he says again “Yosuke - “

“I don’t,” he says, sharp and automatic. But it’s useless to deny the truth, what’s been laid so bare before them both. “I don’t want to talk about it,” he says. “Let’s just go.”

Yu picks up his sword from where it lay on the ground. “Okay,” he says, and his voice is so gentle it makes Yosuke bristle. “ But I want to say - “

“No,” Yosuke says, too loud. He can’t handle this, not now, not when he still feels cut open and exposed. He wants to go home and lick his wounds, and avoid Yu for maybe the foreseeable future. “You don’t need to say anything, okay?” He tries to think a way around saying he can’t handle it. “Just… just don’t, I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to ever talk about it, I’m - “

“Okay.” Yu looks calm, as always, his face blank and smooth and absent of the sympathy and worry from only a few seconds prior. Yosuke wants to scream, but he bites his lip instead as Yu offers him a small, neutral smile. “I’m glad you got Jiraiya back. Let’s meet back up with the others.”

That’s another thing he can’t handle, Yosuke thinks, but he just nods and doesn’t move away when Yu steps closer, the Goho-M cupped in his hand. He drops the little round ball, and as it falls it shimmers, changes into a streak of pale light and then a key, and when it hits the floor a bright portal opens up and they’re pulled through. Yosuke feels wind on his face and he looks around for a moment at the dungeon. What his mind had made. He looks at Yu as the pulling gets stronger, and before they’re sucked in completely something must show on his face, because Yu’s expression drops and he mouths “Yosuke” just as the portal yanks them out of there and the wind steals his voice.

* * *

The others are waiting for them when they get back. Everyone looks worried, their faces drawn and their shoulders tense.

“Yosuke!” Chie says. She takes a step forward before she can stop herself. She puts her hands on her hips and says “You look fine. Rise-chan said you guys ran into a shadow, and then she lost the connection and couldn’t get a read on anything…” She looks away, her expression fierce and her cheeks a soft pink. “We were worried!”

“Yeah,” Kanji says. “But you guys’re okay? You both look fine! Way to go, senpai!”

“Yeah, we had to fight once, but we’re fine. I’m the only one who got hurt and partner gave me a peach seed to help heal me. And then when we fought my shadow…” He shrugged and didn’t look at Yu, who was beside him, tall and silent. “I told you guys! I just accepted it. I wasn’t going to try to fight.”

“Wow,” Yukiko says, looking far more surprised than Yosuke thinks she really should. “Is Yosuke-kun getting more… mature?”

“From a cub to a grizzly!” Teddie says, running towards them. He lunges into Yosuke, hugging his legs. “We were bear-y worried, Yosuke, we didn’t think you’d be able to accept it without fighting!”

Naoto clears her throat as everyone looks conspicuously away from Yosuke. “That is… perhaps a slight exaggeration,” she says. “We were simply reassured that Yu-senpai was with you. Facing oneself is never an easy task, and with the… additional stress from doing so a second time, we feared it might prove more difficult than you anticipated.”

“No,” Yosuke says. He pushes Teddie away and still won’t look at Yu. “No, it was… It was only acknowledging something I already knew deep down, right? Getting it all out in the open, right?” His voice is tight and he won’t - he won’t - look at Yu. Everyone looks pleased, happy to see they’re back unscathed. No one notices how he clenches his jaw or how tense his shoulders are or how red his eyes are or how it’s a monumental effort to speak without screaming, to bite his tongue, to hold back all the denials he know Yu would never believe. They wouldn’t be true anyway. “It was easy. Easier than I was expecting, anyway. And like you said, I had Yu with me. He was there with me, he heard it all.” Yosuke’s nails bite into his palms and his legs are so shaky he’s not sure how much longer he will be able to stand.

He swallows and thinks his whole world is changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I don't know if it's obvious (to anyone else, because it's glaring to me), but I wrote this in bits and pieces over the whole year since the last chapter, so stylistically it's... um. Kind of all over the place? Really inconsistent? The best parts are what I wrote recently, but I was just so glad that I got it done, and a little worried about writer's block again that I didn't do as much editing as perhaps I should have. I had very high hopes for this chapter, but I could never get that down into words. So you get this instead. I hope it is acceptable. 
> 
> Ugh, but now this means WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?! We'll see I suppose... 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Interlude 1 - Yu POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the confrontation with his shadow, Yosuke runs off to avoid dealing with Yu.
> 
> Which leaves Yu to deal with his own feelings about what happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't guarantee the next chapter will come out as quickly. But please enjoy. More notes at the end of the chapter for... a lot in this chapter, actually, though it's mostly just my headcanons I think.
> 
> EDITED TO ADD: Wow some of the formatting didn't stick, this was meant to have like a hundred times more italics than it did. Also this is kind of totally skippable if you want, I just might write one or two of these interludes to show Yu's feelings as well as some of the IT in ways we wouldn't see from Yosuke's perspective. Oh, right, but back to the point I fixed it and now all the italics I overuse egregiously are all there.

Everyone takes it at face value when Yosuke says he’s fine. He looks tired and drawn - but of course he does, of course he’d be exhausted, facing a part of himself he hadn’t wanted to admit existed. He waves off any offers of company and once they’re all back in Junes he leaves as quickly as he can, sprinting away without a glance backwards. Without another word to Yu.

They decide, almost as one, to go the food court to eat before going home. “Man, that sucks for Yosuke,” Chie says once they all sit down. “You think he would have learned! You can’t repress your feelings, you’ve got to deal with them.” She looks at Yu but doesn’t ask what he can tell they all want to know: _what feelings was Yosuke repressing_.

Naoto clears her throat. Attention shifts to her; Kanji turns red just from hearing her speak. “While I am certainly sympathetic to Yosuke-senpai’s plight… What is perhaps more worrying is that shadows can come back.”

There’s a tremor of unease that passes through the group. Yu wants to reassure them, act like the leader they believe him to be, but he’s not sure what to say that won’t give away what Yosuke’s shadow had said. What Yosuke had said. About _him_. He blinks and tries to steady himself. “I think it’s like Chie said,” he tells them. “Yosuke’s shadow was a special case. I don’t think anything will make it come back, I think it has to be something eating away at you, something you can’t face acknowledging. Maybe something you weren’t even aware you were denying.”

“Whoa,” Kanji says, “Yosuke-senpai must be deeper than I thought if he’s got something like that hanging over him.” He looks around at the others, his face creased with worry. “Is uh… Is he gonna be okay? I mean, I know he said he got his persona back, but should we be worried about him?”

“I think I…” Yu pauses and looks down at the table. They are all waiting for him to say it’s okay, to make a pronouncement that absolves them of their concern. “I think I need to talk to him,” he says after a moment of careful silence. “What happened isn’t something to be taken lightly and even though Yosuke got his persona back, there are still things that need to be worked out. But I think before he can deal with that, he probably needs a little space.”

They all accept that, murmuring a little in agreement, and the conversation fades as they eat. It’s not an uncomfortable sort of quiet. Yu can only imagine they assume Yosuke’s shadow wasn’t anything of any great consequence, and by the time they get up to leave they’ve let the topic go completely. Everyone’s chatting, breaking up into singles or doubles to go their separate ways, when Rise steps in beside Yu and slows her pace. They fall behind everyone else and when they leave Junes they’re the only two around.

Rise raises her arms and stretches. “Want to go for a walk with me before going home?” she asks. She beams, cocking her head a little and clasping her hands behind her. “We can go to the Samegawa for a little bit.”

“Sure,” Yu says. He smiles. “Thanks, Rise, I’d love that.”

Rise does most of the talking as they walk, talking about her grandmother’s shop, and school, and her manager. When they finally get to the river bank, the sun burning gold and orange as it prepares to set, she goes quiet. “Senpai,” she says after a minute or so of silence, “after what happened today.... Are you okay? I know we were all worried about Yosuke-senpai because it was his shadow, but it seems like it was hard for you, too. You’ve been really quiet.”

Yu grins. “You always say I’m too quiet.”

“Well that’s true! But this is different.” She stops and turns to look at him. “Be honest with me. Are you okay? I don’t want to pry, and it’s Yosuke-senpai’s business, not mine, but. It seems like his shadow affected you, too.”

Yu takes a breath. _You could say that,_ he thinks, if being affected means having everything he thought about his friendship with Yosuke turned on its head. If affected means knowing your best friend in the world sees you as something more, sees you as smart and cool and handsome and all you can think about is how he looked at you when you were pulled out of his dungeon, when you said his name, when his eyes were dark and hopeful and broken…

“Ahh,” Yu says finally. “It wasn’t easy seeing Yosuke in pain.”

“Is that… all?” Rise asks. “Because you really do seem upset. Are you two going to be okay?” She puts her hands on her hips and looks, Yu thinks, adorably cross. “Don’t take it personally, senpai, no matter what it said! Shadows are the worst in us, that’s all. Though, if Yosuke’s went too far, I’ll - “

“You don’t need to worry, Rise,” Yu says. He looks down at his feet. Rise’s are beside his and so small in comparison. He doesn’t know what to say to her. He doesn’t even know how to reassure her because he’s not sure of what he’s feeling himself. “It wasn’t anything like that. Really, I’m just worried about Yosuke.”

“You’re such a good friend!” They start walking again. Rise moves a little closer to him as they walk and he feels her arm brush lightly against his. “I don’t know if Yosuke-senpai deserves you. But then…” She looks away from him a little, and he can see her face flush, the soft bloom of embarrassed pink in her cheeks. “Maybe none of us do.”

“Don’t say that,” he tells her, rubbing the back of his neck. He sticks his other hand in his pocket. It pushes his elbow out a little closer to Rise, and he stops again as she puts her hand carefully in the crook of his arm. “I don’t think friendship is about deserving one another or anything like that. It was just luck that my uncle happened to be living in Inaba, that my parents needed to send me away for a year. I don’t feel like I deserve any of you.”

“Ugh, senpai, you’re so humble.” Rise rolls her eyes at him and he grins back. “I guess when you put it that way it’s luck that any of us are friends! After all, if it wasn’t for the Midnight Channel…”

She goes a little quiet after saying that, and Yu takes a step to turn towards her. She has to look up to meet his eyes and he grins. “Really, when you think about it, it’s actually thanks to Yosuke. I might have been the first to go into the TV, but he was the one who wanted to explore more. If he hadn’t landed in that garbage can and needed my help getting up, none of us might have met each other.” _No one might have been saved,_ he thinks but doesn’t say, feeling his smile go tight.

“Wow, I guess we owe Yosuke-senpai more than I realized!” They both laugh and Rise tightens her grip on his arm. “He ran away so fast after we got out of the TV world… I understand if he was embarrassed, but it isn’t like he hasn’t seen all of our shadows. And it’s not like any of us would have asked him about it.” She pouts, and Yu can tell it’s a little for show. “He trusts us, doesn’t he, Yu-senpai?”

Yu looks towards the sky. “He was… really embarrassed,” he says, and it’s such an understatement it almost feels like a lie. 

Neither seems much in the mood for conversation after that, and they walk along the river in a comfortable silence. He’s been spending a lot of time with Rise lately - and it’s been nice. That time with Rise - and spreading himself pretty thin, between all his part time jobs and school clubs - meant that he hasn’t been able to spend as much time with his other friends - including Yosuke - but he didn’t realize that it might have been bothering Yosuke. He feels heat creep up the back of his neck. It’s still hard to believe that Yosuke is jealous. Not only of the time he got to spend with Rise, but of the time Rise got to spend with him. In other schools, Yu had a few admirers, so he’s had experience with crushes and confessions. But it’s always been the other person who made the first move, who was the one to take initiative and speak their feelings. Yu only had to be there, with a calm, polite smile, and either accept or gracefully let them down easy. Yosuke hadn’t confessed; he’d had the truth pulled out of him. Worse, he’d had to admit that the person he liked was also a boy, something he obviously hadn’t even started to come to terms with. If Yu wants to fix things, he realizes, then he’s going to have to be the one to go to Yosuke.

It’s likely that if he wants to forget everything ever happened, he can just resume their friendship as normal and never bring it up. If he wants to confront Yosuke and make him talk things out, he’ll have to be the one to start the conversation. And if he wants to pursue Yosuke… he’ll have to be the one to give chase.

 _What do I want?_ He asks himself, feeling the heat on his neck flow up into his face. Yosuke’s his best friend, but… 

He looks over at Rise, who’s wearing a calm, pretty smile and looking off toward the sunset. He doesn’t even know how he feels about _her_ and he’d all but decided he’d officially accept if she ever confessed to him. It feels a little… unkind to her, he thinks, to be thinking about someone else when they’re together. It has become increasingly obvious that Rise has feelings for him, and it doesn’t seem fair to keep pretending he doesn’t see it.

And he certainly likes her, he does, but it hasn’t been anything beyond light attraction. He cares for her a great deal, and she’s really, really pretty. But is that enough?

Yu has no idea how love is supposed to feel.

He doesn’t know how he feels about Rise and he sure as hell doesn’t know how he might feel about Yosuke. All he knows is that he can’t lose his best friend.

He doesn’t know how to handle this - how to be sensitive to Yosuke’s feelings and still force the conversation he’s pretty sure they’ll have to have. 

“Rise.” They’d been strolling pretty aimlessly and she looks up at him, surprised, when he stops. Yu smiles. “Sorry, but.. It’s been a long day and it’s getting late. I think I better be heading home.”

“Oh, of course,” she says. She lets go of his arm and takes a step back, clutching her hands together. “We wouldn’t want Nanako-chan to worry.”

“No we wouldn’t.”

“Well…” Rise sighs and for a moment her smile slips. But it’s just a moment, and soon she’s beaming again and waving goodbye. “I’ll see you later, senpai!” She laughs. “Let me know if you’re free tomorrow!” He waves back and watches her go, then heads home himself. One of the stray cats in the neighborhood is hanging around the Dojima house, and he stops to pet it for a moment before heading inside. 

Yu’s not surprised to see that Dojima isn’t home.

“Big bro!” Nanako says brightly. She’s sitting in front of the television, with her homework out. “How was your day?”

“It was all right,” he says, careful to keep his voice neutral. He still feels a little shaken up, his head full, but there’s no sense in worrying Nanako about it.

“I had a really good day!” she says, and Yu can’t help but smile. They make dinner together and Nanako tells him about her day as they eat. It’s easy to let her distract him, and it’s not until he heads up to his room for the night that he lets his mind drift to what happened in the TV world with Yosuke.

He starts to make envelopes, but it’s difficult to concentrate. All he can think about is Yosuke.

Having a best friend is a new experience for him. The best he can say about his relationship with his parents is that he has a relationship with them. And he’d moved to several different schools throughout his life. He’d never stood out, but he never formed strong bonds. The Investigation Team is different. Here, in Inaba, _he_ is different. This is a place where he might finally find someone it’s worth opening his heart to. Dojima and Nanako feel like what he’s imagined family should feel like, and with every person they save they just get to add another new friend to their group. His friendship has always been sincere, even if it hasn’t been necessarily as reciprocal as it should have been. But he’s already found six people to let in, seven if he counts Naoto, along with Nanako and Dojima. It’s a strange, new experience. 

It’s almost a transformation. With every new bond he forms and strengthens, with every new persona he fuses, he feels himself growing and changing - becoming something he never imagined he could be. And maybe that new person could love somebody the way the old Yu never could.

But… does that mean that somebody is Yosuke? He isn't sure, and he doesn't know how to answer that question. Something pulls in his chest, and Yu Yu gives up on his envelopes and gets ready for bed.

He turns off the lights and gets into bed. The last thing he sees as he drifts to sleep is Yosuke’s face, smiling, with a wink, the faint flush of embarrassment coloring his cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this got... heavier than I intended. But! Reasons! 
> 
> 1\. This story takes place in-game in October. The first chapter starts on Oct 21, the day after Yu gets the letter about "don't rescue anymore" or w/e, which means the lunch in chapter one is when he tells the group about it (as I said in a previous chapter's notes, I will probably edit some mention of that in there). The next day, when they go face Yosuke's shadow a second time, is Oct 22 - a Saturday - which is the day Yosuke puts in the group date café suggestion for the cultural festival. That happens before the beginning of the second chapter. So I might... add that. Or not. If you played the game, obviously you know it happens, so it's... an important point but also redundant to include it almost? Eh? I don't know. I don't feel this is hugely important at this point so I'm holding off on making a decision. 
> 
> 2\. WOW WHY DID I DO THIS TO BOTH OF THEM???? THIS CHAPTER???? YU'S FEELINGS???? I mean, seriously, this was intended to be a fluffy, humorous fic. Yu was going to see Yosuke's shadow, think "AT LAST" and then try to woo him with pictures of cats. And Nanako. Then Nanako and cats. He was going to pull out the Big Guns. But as I was researching where exactly Yu's social link rank would be with each person, as well as where his social stats would be, I started... thinking. Like on the one hand, I kind of played the game as Yu having a huge crush on Yosuke and Yosuke just constantly misreading his signals. But on the other hand, the way the game is... You learn a lot about each of the social links, but Yu never really opens up that much in return. And considering how the game starts, with such low social stats and no bonds... Well, I could only want to have a reason for that. Yes, it's so the protagonist is blank, obviously, but in this context, writing the protagonist as a person, whether you think of him as Yu or Souji, it's... I mean, people aren't blank slates. And since his parents shipped him off to his uncle's place, and he never contacts anyone outside of Inaba, I decided to run with that. So here's the head canon (or in the context of this fic, canon, which is kind of a trippy thought but anyway!) for this Yu: he has not had a bad life. His parents are well off and he's been pretty fortunate. But he also has never had a significant relationship with anyone - his parents treat him well and love him, but it's not a demonstrative, warm kind of love. It's out of obligation, and he knows that. He's moved around a lot and never made friendships that lasted. But he's never had trouble fitting in or been bullied much or anything. He hasn't wanted strong bonds because he never thought he needed them. He's this blank, empty person when the game starts because that's all he's known. And... yes, this presents some potentially quite detrimental psychological issues and maybe they're not getting the attention they deserve? That is outside the scope of this fic. I would also argue that at this point, he is doing much better and his friendships are helping him heal. Also also, he was extremely well-adjusted for how stunted he was in terms of his ability to connect with others. So it's... kind of a case of learning by doing, like he might have as a child, albeit at perhaps an accelerated rate? Anyway, the point is: Yu is new at friendship. He is also new at connecting to other humans in general. Attraction is something he has had little experience with, and nothing other than purely physical reaction. So, tl;dr, instead of the fluff I anticipated, this is as much a journey for Yu as it is for Yosuke, I just... won't show it as much. 
> 
> 3\. All Yu's social stats except Diligence should be maxed out, I think.
> 
> 4\. He should have gotten the card to start Naoto's link, but where he probably should have started that today, they went to the TV world instead.
> 
> 5\. I did not tag this Yu/Rise or Souji/Rise because while that is obviously here somewhat, it's not endgame. I don't even know if it'll be any more present than it was here.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yosuke doesn't want to face Yu, but a chance run in at the Samegawa brings a confrontation sooner than he expected...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll bet you weren't expecting this! Enjoy, because I have no idea when the next part will be finished. But! School is over at long, long last, so no more until next semester! Finals almost finished me... Grad school sucks let me write and play video games all day.
> 
> ETA: I should have put this in chapter one but I forgot, but here's [the song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fB63ztKnGvo) I stole the title from.

_October 23 - Sunday_

It has not gotten easier.

A day has passed and Yosuke still cannot think about what happened without wanting to vomit.

_“I like Yu. I really, really like him.”_

Yosuke takes a pillow and covers his face with it, groaning as he replays the conversation with his shadow over again in his head. He has been hiding in his room for most of the day, not wanting to face Teddie or his parents or the world. He hasn’t looked at his phone since the previous afternoon, before the team went into the TV. He doesn’t want sympathy, he doesn’t want conversation, he doesn’t want any reminder of what happened, and most of all he doesn’t want anyone asking him, however obliquely, for any sort of explanation.

Yosuke doesn’t actually think any of his friends would pry, but he’s sure somebody must be curious. And even if he wanted to - which he emphatically does not - he doesn’t think he can offer any sort of explanation. Not really. He hadn’t even been fully cognizant of the facts himself until they had been thrown in his face, after all. He wants to deny his feelings. Even with Jiraiya back, a steady presence in his mind, his first instinct is to deny, refute, counter - because no, _of course_ that’s not true, _of course_ his feelings for his best friend are firmly, unassailably platonic. Except that’s so laughably untrue Yosuke feels sick to his stomach just thinking it. He throws his pillow off and curls up into a ball.

It should have been obvious, he thinks in hindsight. Nobody else ever made him feel like Yu did. The closest was Saki-senpai - but even that was an entirely different situation, its own specific, special feeling, and it doesn’t feel right to compare them.

The one similarity he’s comfortable with thinking about is the lack of reciprocation. Saki obviously had no interest in him, which he could deal with because he never said anything and therefore could never be rejected. But Yu heard him spill out his guts, heard everything his shadow had to say. So now, instead of remaining blissfully unaware of Yosuke’s feelings - which is a state that Yosuke would happily go back to himself - they’re going to have to deal with it.

That’s going to be the worst part. Yosuke is perfectly fine pretending that nothing happened and going back to their friendship as normal, as long as that’s what Yu wants, too - and Yosuke hopes with a heat and fervor he didn’t know he was capable of, that that is what Yu wants. But chances are things are going to be awkward, and they’ll actually have to talk about what happened. Yosuke doesn’t think he can handle that - seeing the sympathy and pity on Yu’s face to soften the rejection when he tells him, _Sorry partner, but at least we can still be friends._

The Amagi challenge is famous at Yasogami, but that’s nothing compared to the Narukami challenge. The guys who hit on Yukiko deserve to be shot down. They don’t know her, they only think of her as a pretty face or just think of the prestige of being the one to beat the challenge. Yosuke ignores that at one point he was one of those guys. He knows Yukiko now and even though she’s beautiful he’s perfectly happy being her friend. Yu, on the other hand, doesn’t shoot anyone down. And his suitors are a lot more appealing than Yukiko’s, too. Yu is polite and friendly and charming - and never more than disinterested. Yosuke had wracked his mind for weeks trying to figure out what kind of girl was Yu’s type, but he’d never made any progress. Yu had been noncommittal when asked, and Yosuke had never noticed him display any overt interest. Well… 

Not until Rise.

If anything, that had probably been the catalyst for his shadow. Because Yosuke had been jealous, really jealous, of both of them. He hadn’t been able to untangle his feelings, but looking back now it is easy for him to see he was jealous of Yu for getting Rise’s attention, jealous of Rise for taking Yu’s attention away and jealous of Rise for finally getting Yu to show even a little interest in anybody. He’d dated Ai Ebihara briefly, of course, but that hadn’t been serious and even at the time Yu had seemed more uncomfortable than anything else. With Rise, though, someone so gorgeous, who was already in their group of friends, and who made no secret of what she wanted…

Yosuke groans and uncoils, flopping onto his stomach, his arms dangling off the edge of the bed.

Even if there was the remotest possibility that Yu could feel the same way - which there isn’t, Yosuke thinks, of course there isn’t - there is no way Yosuke can compete with someone like Rise. 

Which is fine, he has no problem staying Yu’s best friend. There’s no telling what’s going to happen at the end of the year when Yu has to leave Inaba, so Yosuke’s going to make the most of the time they have. He just has to find a way to make sure things don’t change.

And that means, no matter how much it sucks, he’s going to have to face Yu.

He takes a breath and sits up. He touches the headphones around his neck, staring at his phone sitting next to a stack of CDs on his desk. Before he can think better of it or change his mind, he hops up and grabs his phone. He sits back down on his bed and flips it open.

The only message he has is from Chie. His stomach sinks. He hadn’t even wanted to talk to Yu, but seeing his inbox so bare leaves him feeling worse than he did before. He stares at the phone, chewing at his lip, wondering if he should bother replying. She’d sent the message last night, just a quick sort of congratulations for facing his shadow again - another reminder, of course, that he’d been the only one who had to do it a second time. 

_> >u beat ur shadow again!!!! GOOD JOB YOSUKE. I’ll take u 4 steak one day, and wont make u pay  
>>for me i mean u still have to buy ur own!!!!!!!_

He taps out a message and erases it a few times before finally deciding on what to reply.

_> >thanx 4 that _

Chie replies quickly.

_> >yeah!!!!  
>>U ok?_

Yosuke scrubs at his eyes with the heel of his hand.

_> >im fine_

He laughs to himself, dry and bitter, as he snaps his phone shut and tosses it onto his bed. He stands up and stretches his arms over his head, letting his back give a satisfying pop. He’s done almost nothing all day, but no matter how much he dawdles and procrastinates Monday is still going to come and he’s still going to have to face school. And Yu.

He’s debating between putting on a movie and making another playlist of sad songs when the door bursts open and Teddie rushes in. “Yosuke!” he calls, throwing himself into the room. “You’ll never guess what I heard from some bear-u-tiful ladies at Junes!” He tries to climb into the closet, where he sleeps, but the bear body is too big. He takes off his head and shimmies out of the lower body and hops up onto his bed, swinging his legs and wearing what Yosuke thinks is a frighteningly manic smile.

Yosuke sighs. “Ted, I really - “

But he is ignored completely. “Your school is hosting a beauty pageant during the festival! So many lovely ladies, all competing for the crown! It’s the perfect chance for a hot stud like me to score!”

He goes on as Yosuke winces. He's had enough of beauty pageants after his dungeon, no matter how poetic Teddie waxes. 

“Can you imagine the sight, Yosuke?! Chie-chan and her super mega lovely high kick! Traditional beauty Yuki-chan! Rise-chan, the young man’s fantasy!” Teddies gasps. “Even Nao-chan! The - “

“Shut up, Ted,” Yosuke growls. His head aches and he’s nearly ready to forego his previous plan of watching a movie to go take a walk - somewhere far, far away from Teddie. “There’s no way the girls would agree to that.”

Teddie gasps with what Yosuke can only categorize as genuine distress. “But they’re all so bear-y beautiful! I know one of them will win. If they won’t enter themselves, Yosuke, then we have to do it for them - as men!”

Under most other circumstances, Yosuke would agree with him. It’s a pretty appealing thought, all the girls looking their best, up on the stage showing off. But it’s also objectifying, and while he didn’t exactly go through the same thing himself, it’s still a close enough - and fresh enough - wound that he is less than eager to subject someone else to it. 

“I don’t know,” Yosuke says, rubbing the back of his neck. “It would be pretty funny to see Chie’s face when she saw she had been signed up. But she might be pretty mad, too. And you know Yukiko, when she gets mad she gets scary…”

“How can she get mad when we’re only cele-bear-ating her beauty?”

Yosuke thinks about it for a moment, drowning out Teddie’s chatter, and agrees that there’s not much point having a beauty pageant if Yasogami’s finest don’t participate. And it’s something to get excited about, something to focus on other than the probable annihilation of his most significant personal relationship. “Yeah,” he says, striking his fist against the flat of his hand. “Great idea, Ted, we’ll definitely sign them up. They’ll be flattered, right? And if they decide they don’t want to participate, they can just drop out.”

Teddie cheers and Yosuke smiles, feeling his mood start to lift. A walk is sounding better and better and he makes the decision to get out of the house, walk along the Samegawa and hope the fresh air will help clear his head.

Without even asking, Teddie decides to join him, and they’re arguing about something halfway there before Yosuke even realizes that Teddie has tagged along. It irritates him a little, but it’s easier just to accept it than to try to send him home. And, Yosuke thinks, it’s actually not terrible to have the company. The day is pretty pleasant, a nice change from the previous day’s rain. There’s a chill to the slight breeze, but it’s not unpleasant - a bright sting that feels comfortingly like fall. 

Teddie chatters most of the walk, but Yosuke ignores him. His mood is beginning to lift, and he feels a little like himself again. So it hits him like a fist when he looks up and sees Yu, sitting at the gazebo on the floodplain, typing something into his phone.

Before he consciously thinks about it, Yosuke has turned on his music player, his hands on his headphones ready to lift them over his ears. There’s a swirling in his gut, too close to panic, his throat tight and his mouth dry. He’s frantic, trying to lead Teddie away before he notices, but as soon as the bear looks up, he sees Yu, too. 

“Look,” Teddie says, “it’s sensei!” He waves his arm and calls “Hello! Sensei. Hey!”

Yu looks up at the voice and his eyes zero in on Yosuke. He stuffs his phone in his pocket and starts towards them.

Yosuke swears under his breath. “Uh… you know what, Ted? I think it’s time I got home. Why don’t you go meet up with him, and I’ll catch up with the two of you later?” Yosuke takes a few steps back, but as soon as Yu notices he speeds up, coming down towards them at a brisk jog. Yosuke feels cornered, like an animal stuck in a trap. He wants so badly to put his headphones on, strains of music just audible, but he turns off his player instead. He starts to turn to go.

“What are you doing, Yosuke?” Teddie asks. He touches Yosuke’s arm. “Stay! We can walk with sensei.”

 _Nope,_ Yosuke thinks, _nope, nope, nope, nope_. He is completely unprepared to face Yu - he’d wanted time, damn it, at least a little advance notice to think about what he could say. School was going to be awkward enough, but at least they’d be around other people. Now, the only other person around is Teddie, which Yosuke can’t help but think is only going to make things more awkward.

“Yosuke!” Yu calls. There is more feeling in his voice than usual, and when he raises a hand in greeting Yosuke is frozen. By the time he thinks he can move again it’s already too late and Yu is right there. He gives the both of them a calm smile, but his eyes never leave Yosuke’s face. “Hello.”

“Hi sensei!” Teddie says. “What are you doing out here? Enjoying the fresh air of autumn? You should join me and Yosuke!”

Yu’s smile grows incrementally larger, a little indulgent. “Actually, Teddie… That would be nice, but after I was hoping I could talk to Yosuke alone. Just to check in with him.”

Teddie nods. “Yeah, he’s been in his room all day listening to crying music.” His voice lowers. “That’s what his mom told me.”

“Stupid bear, I _wasn’t_ \- “

“Well thank you for making sure he got out of there,” Yu says. 

Yosuke pouts and mutters but Yu ignores him. Teddie seems happy enough to do whatever “sensei” asks of him, so it’s not long before he cheerfully runs off, leaving the two of them alone. Yosuke stuffs his hands in his pockets and hunches over, looking at the ground by his feet.

Yu stands there, quiet, for a long moment, letting Yosuke fidget. Finally he says “Did you want to keep walking? I’m sorry I interrupted you and Teddie.”

“It’s fine, man, I don’t care.” Yosuke touches the left earpiece of his headphones. “It’s getting late, anyway, I should probably - “

“Yosuke.” Yu’s tone is stern and Yosuke looks up before he can help it, meets Yu’s eyes. “I’d really like to talk. We haven’t talked since yesterday afternoon.”

Yosuke shrugs. “You didn’t text or call.”

Yu lets out a soft breath. “I thought you’d want to be left alone.”

Yosuke rolls his eyes and crosses his arms over his chest. “Well… Yeah,” he concedes, “I did.”

“Hmm.”

Yosuke hates that Yu knows him so well, knows that he’ll feel compelled to fill the silence. He takes a deep breath, steels all his courage and says “So we can just forget what happened yesterday, right? Like never bring it up again?” Yu’s wince is barely noticeable, but Yosuke’s looking close enough to see it. “Unless you’re angry or disgusted or - “

“No, of course not,” Yu says quickly. “Why would I be angry or disgusted?”

“Well.” Yosuke’s shoulders bend in a little more, and he lowers his head. “Because you’re… you’re you, and I’m.” He gestures down the length of his body. “I’m _me_. It’s not exactly the same league.”

Yu just blinks and says “I’m flattered, actually.”

“Wh-what?! Flattered?” He laughs a little, incredulous.

“Yeah,” Yu says, giving a one-shouldered shrug. It is, Yosuke thinks, weirdly attractive. “Of course I’m flattered, partner.”

Yosuke’s stupid heart skips a beat, and he swallows, trying to hold back a blush. “So we’re still partners? Even though I… “

“We’ll always be partners,” Yu says, and he sounds so sure. He sounds like he means it. “No matter what.”

Feeling makes his heart swell, and Yosuke covers his nerves with a laugh. “Wow, dude, you’re sappier than me.” He clears his throat. “But, uh. I’m grateful, you know? I was worried this would really mess things up between us.”

“Yosuke.” Yu sighs and his eyes go soft - like the look he gives to Teddie, Yosuke thinks, or Nanako. Indulgent and fond. It makes Yosuke feel a little indignant, but he just chews his lip and stays silent. “It’s not going to mess things up.”

“Okay.” Yosuke takes in a deep breath and then lets it out slowly. “Okay, that’s good. So we’ll just forget this ever happened, I’ll get over it, and nobody will ever bring it up again.”

Something on Yu’s face changes, and he licks his lips - which Yosuke doesn’t mean to notice, he _doesn’t_ \- and then says “But… If you _wanted_ to talk about it, I - “

“Uh uh, nope.” Yosuke shakes his head. “I don’t want to talk about it. Not now, or ever. Not gonna talk about it or acknowledge it at all. Let’s just put it behind us. The less I think about it, the sooner it’ll go away.”

Yu coughs pointedly. “I think you should acknowledge it a little. After what happened, I mean.”

Yosuke turns red, and his shoulders bow up towards his ears. “W-well, yeah, okay. I know that! I just meant.” He huffs and tugs on his headphones. “I just meant I want to forget about it until it goes away. I’m not in denial anymore, I know how I feel, but. I don’t want this. I don’t want to be the guy with a stupid…” He kicks at the ground with the toe of his shoe and the apples of his cheeks brighten to a deep red. His voice goes soft, but he makes himself say it. “With a stupid crush on his best friend.”

“It’s not your fault,” Yu says. He nods, an expression of smug wisdom on his face. Yosuke does not think he’s going to like what that look means. “I am smart and cool and handsome.”

“Dude!” Yosuke yells, his voice going shrill. “Y-you can’t… Don’t say that, okay? I don’t want to be reminded of all that, damn it!”

Yu blinks, surprised, reeling back a little at Yosuke’s vehemence. “Okay,” he says slowly, “I was just teasing.”

“Well don’t!” Yosuke spits out, louder than he means to. It leaves things awkward, the echo of this words hanging in the air between them.

Yosuke breathes, staring at Yu for a long moment before Yu speaks. “Okay,” he says again. “I’m sorry. I won’t tease you.”

“Thanks,” Yosuke says, embarrassed. He looks away. The embarrassment - or something, he thinks - builds up in his throat, thick and heavy. He needs to let it out, and before he can stop it, the words burst out of him. “S-so we’re good, right? You and me, partners just like always, ignoring what happened and going back to normal?” He hates how badly he needs validation.

For a long moment Yu doesn’t say anything in response, and his face is so still and guarded Yosuke can’t read him. Not that it’s ever easy to read him, Yosuke thinks, but he’s insecure now, nervous, hoping like hell he hasn’t ruined things forever. “Of course,” Yu says, with a tight smile, though there’s a weight to his words that Yosuke can’t decipher. “Ignore what happened, go back to normal. That’s fine.”

Relief washes over him, and Yosuke’s face splits into a wide grin. “All right!” he says, the last remnants of shame rushing out of him like a receding tide. “Thanks, partner, that… That’s awesome.”

His face is bright with relief and after a half-second of wide-eyed staring, Yu laughs. His eyes squeeze shut and his mouth opens and his shoulders shake and he laughs. Yosuke flushes with pride, his heart banging against his ribs. It’s over, it’s done, they’re _okay_. And Yu’s laugh is like a bright, silver bell that Yosuke hangs - quiet and secret - in his heart.

There’s probably more to say about it, but Yosuke’s feeling too wired and jittery to stand around and chat for long. After another few minutes, discussing school the next day, and the latest episode of Loveline Nanako’s still excited about, and how Teddie wants Topsicles even in October, they both fall silent and it seems like the perfect punctuation to the conversation, as the sun beams orange and gold as it sinks lower towards the horizon. Yosuke begs off, says it’s getting late, and leaves Yu waving by the riverbank as he heads for home.

* * *

_October 24 - Monday_

Yosuke almost changes his mind two or three times, but he decides to wait for Yu on the road to school. Pretending everything’s normal is probably the quickest way to get things back to normal, he reasons. And he’s walked with Yu to school dozens of times before. He tells himself this, and he psychs himself up, but he still feels a nervous rush when he sees Yu.

“Yo!” he calls, shifting his weight from foot to foot as his grip tightens on his handlebars.

Yu nods in greeting and stops when he gets to Yosuke. “Good morning,” he says.

“Yeah,” Yosuke replies, flushing. “Good morning.”

“Are you nervous about exam results today?” Yu asks, adjusting his grip on the strap of his bag

Yosuke throws his head back and groans. “Exams? Oh man, I totally forgot. I was so stressed out about everything else I wasn’t even thinking about our results.”

Yu pats him once on his shoulder. “I’m sure you did fine.” He cocks his head for a second, thinking. “You did study, though, didn’t you?”

Yosuke groans again and Yu laughs as they continue towards the school.

Even though their conversation yesterday had cleared the air with Yu, Yosuke had still had a sense of dread about school. It’s almost a surprise when he gets there and everything is completely normal. No one pays him any undue attention - and everything is easy, static, and shockingly normal. He’s almost resentful, before he catches himself. How dare everyone go on the same as always when his world has been turned upside down. He swallows and says his good mornings to Chie and Yukiko and takes a seat at his desk.

Everything is totally normal. Everyone goes about their business like always, and slowly Yosuke relaxes. He’s not sure what he was worried about in the first place.

The morning passes fairly quickly and soon lunchtime arrives. The exam results are posted and there’s an air of nervous energy around the students.

“Moment of truth,” Yosuke says, standing up and stretching. He stands beside Yu’s desk, his arms crossed. He’s not looking forward to seeing how he did - which he’s sure is going to be terrible - but Yu’s been working so hard, at least Yosuke can be happy for him. “You want to go check it out?”

Yu nods and stands, and together they walk to the list of names posted on the bulletin board in the hall. There’s already a small group of students there, gathered around. Yosuke’s sure his scores suck, so he doesn’t bother looking for his own name right away. Instead, he glances over at Yu. He looks as calm and collected as always, completely unconcerned. Yosuke watches his eyes flick down to the bottom of the list, and scan slowly upwards, searching for his name. _As if he doesn’t already know it’s at the top_ , Yosuke thinks. And his eyes stop at the very top, the first name on the list. Of course he’s got the highest score. He blinks and barely smiles.

“Man, you’re a genius, Yu,” Yosuke says.

He laughs. “Thanks.”

“No really, that’s awesome. I’m as happy as I’d be if I’d gotten the highest score myself.” Yu’s eyes widen and Yosuke realizes after a moment what he’s said. He rubs the back of his neck. “I-I mean… You worked hard, dude. You deserve it.”

“Thanks,” Yu says again. He still has that same neutral expression, but Yosuke can tell that he’s pleased. The side of his mouth is curved up, plumping one cheek, and his eyes are bright as he looks back towards the list of names. He’s standing like he always does, one hand on his hip.

 _Such a stupid pose_ , Yosuke thinks. He’s not sure why, but his face feels warm. He can see Yu’s clavicle where his button’s undone, his collar wide, gaping at his neck, his skin pale and smooth.

 _Yeah_ , Yosuke thinks, looking away, digging his fingers into his bicep, his arms crossed over his chest. _For such a smart guy, he sure looks… stupid._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! This took way longer than I intended. But it's here at last, and I think it actually came out okay.
> 
> 1\. Teenage boys don't talk about feelings, but they had to!!! For the plot!!! So this whole first scene was me trying to balance Yosuke's feelings, how much of his feelings he was aware of/acknowledging, how much he was willing to share, how Yu actually felt, how he acted like he felt, what Yosuke noticed or assumed about what he was feeling. So. Even if I failed, at least I did try. After re-reading I think their talk turned out okay.
> 
> 2\. I try to avoid this in fic because it bothers me, but the dialog about the exam scores was pretty much lifted from the game. I don't know how often that will happen going forward, though. Also to reiterate that dialog was lifted from the game - man whether you read it as platonic or romantic Yosuke loves Yu a lot. 
> 
> 3\. How does Chie text in game? I did what I felt was appropriate for her character but it's one of the few things I didn't look up to verify. Also, like I said in an earlier chapter, there might be Chie/Yukiko. I only mention that to say that besides being super gross, I headcanon that all the guys failed the "Amagi challenge" because Yukiko just doesn't like guys. Not relevant to the story exactly but that's where I'm writing her from.
> 
> 4\. Yosuke blamed Teddie for the pageant sign ups in game and I needed an excuse for Teddie to be there to drag Yosuke out of the house, so killing two birds with one stone there. Also the culture festival is coming up next chapter, probably the trip to the inn too. And you can bet Yosuke is going to handle the group date cafe just SUPER WELL. Also I headcanon Yosuke's parents as very distant but not unkind, so his mom might not know what's going on in his life but she definitely knows which are his crying songs.
> 
> 5\. I completely gave up on tonal consistency - it's going to be a big mixing bowl of all the facets of my writing style.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for slight implication of sexual content (the suggestion of off screen masturbation). I did not tag for anything additional (because it's literally like one line, plus a vague implication a little earlier) but if anybody feels it needs tagged just let me know. 
> 
> Also! This is half of what I wanted it to be but I wanted to get something posted before I leave for vacation so. You get this! I rewrote the beginning literally five times and got out most of the last part in one sitting so. I think... uneven is the word to describe the writing here.

_October 28_

Yu keeps his word and Yosuke is spared from any teasing, spared from any explicit reminder that Yu is aware of his feelings. Despite this, though, Yosuke can never quite forget what new, unmentionable knowledge hangs between them. After all the stress he’d gone through, wanting them to be equal, to really truly be _partners_ , he was the one to thrust a new, unwanted power right into Yu’s hands.

Yu would never abuse that power. No matter how nervous he gets, how many cold sweats, how sick he feels at even the slightest knowing look, Yosuke is sure beyond a doubt Yu won’t abuse the power he has over his friend. But he _could_. Even though Yosuke knows he won’t, just the thought that Yu could humiliate him or spread rumors about him or blackmail him leaves Yosuke feeling nauseated and weak. Things go back to normal, just like Yosuke wanted, and they should be great. He’s still waiting for the other shoe to drop, for some sort of consequence, but other than his own paranoia their friendship goes back to exactly as it had been before Jiraiya went silent. Yosuke tells himself things are great, tries hard to feel it, but he can’t help but think he’s lying to himself. Even though he got what he wanted, there’s a part of him still not satisfied. It’s only been a few days, granted, but even seeing Yu makes him feel like a complete mess. 

The problem, he thinks, _is_ that nothing’s changed.

_That’s what I wanted!_ Yosuke tells himself miserably as he trudges towards school. He slept poorly the night before, and he woke up too late to put air in his bike tires, so he’s forced to walk. If nothing else, he tries to reassure himself, the walk will give him time to think. Time to mull things over and try to force himself back from whatever pit of paranoid misery he’s pushed himself into. He’s glad that nothing’s changed, he is; that’s exactly what he wanted. He’s glad that Yu is the same as ever, the same placid, strong, easy-going guy as always, the same _partner_ as always. But even though that’s what he wanted, what he explicitly asked for… it’s not exactly what he expected. _Shouldn’t he care?_ Yosuke wonders. His hands tighten around his handlebars and he can feel the soft imprint of the grips on his palms. _He found out that his best friend likes him! His best friend who is a guy. Shouldn’t that make things different?_

If the situation had been reversed, Yosuke knows there’s no way he’d be handling things as well as Yu. He wouldn’t be able to act like nothing had changed no matter who it was, and if it was Yu? If it was any other boy? Yosuke swallows past a lump in his throat, because he knows that he wouldn’t be able to act normal at all. It’s just another sign of how much better Yu is than him, because Yu can take it in stride. He’s never going to make Yosuke feel like he’s less, or like there’s something wrong with him. Even though Yosuke thinks he deserves it… because that’s exactly how Yosuke had treated Kanji. 

He winces, remembering some of the things he’d said. He’d been uncomfortable, confronted with something that in retrospect hit a lot closer to home than he’d realized. He’s tried hard to forget, but Yu wasn’t the only boy whose picture was in his dungeon. Yosuke’s pretty sure Kanji’s still figuring himself out. Especially after what he’d said yesterday: _my doubts will finally be cleared_. Yosuke wishes he had the luxury of doubt. But when your shadow reappears and tells you right to your face that yes, you like a boy, he’s right there, that boy, that’s the boy that you like… There’s not much you can do to argue unless you want a battle on your hands. Yosuke might not be sure what that means for him, or what to label himself, but he’s definitely sure that he likes Yu.

He’s already in a bad mood when he arrives at school, the day cloudy and gray, but it only gets worse from there. The girls are still mad at him for yesterday, when they’d seen the beauty pageant contestant flyer - and all their names, unexpectedly there. Yosuke had tried to defend himself, to say that it had been Teddie’s idea to begin with, but no one had really listened to him. And he couldn’t blame them, honestly, though it wasn’t his fault he hadn’t known they wouldn’t be able to back out. Chie doesn’t look at him when he sits at his desk, conspicuously straight-backed and indifferent. Yukiko laughs but quickly covers it with a loud, fake cough. 

Yosuke taps Yu on the shoulder. “Hey, what’s going on with the girls? They’re acting weird.”

Yu shrugs. “I’m not sure,” he says over his shoulder. “We can ask them later, but it’s probably nothing to worry about. Or just be patient, I’m sure we’ll find out what’s going on soon.” As it turns out, soon winds up being only a few hours later.

“What’s all the fuss about?” Yu asks at his side at lunchtime, seeing a group of students bunched together in the hall.

Yosuke shrugs. “I don’t know, man. Let’s go check it out.”

They walk up to the bulletin board and see a large paper tacked up, which the other students seem to be studying. It’s a sign-up sheet, with a few names scribbled in at the top, and a large, decorative header reading “The ‘Miss’ Yasogami High Pageant.”

Yosuke groans. “Oh man,” he says, crossing his arms. “This again?” He nudges Yu and then immediately regrets it, but covers his discomfort with a cough. “Uh, I mean…” He laughs nervously. “They never learn, huh? Who wants to participate in a cross-dressing pageant? I can’t believe there are already some sign ups.”

A kid beside them smirks and says “Yeah, Hanamura, what idiots would sign up for that?”

“Let’s see, then.” Yosuke rolls his eyes at the boy and leans closer to inspect the list. “What the…” He looks up at Yu. “That’s my name! What the hell, man. And Kanji… And you, too!”

Yu’s eyebrows furrow and he looks, as well. “Ahh. Well… Yes,” he says, “that’s definitely my name.”

“I can’t believe so many people signed up,” another student says to her friend. “Didn’t we have only two last year?”

“And I heard it’s just like the other pageant,” her friend says. “If your name’s on there you have to participate, even if you didn’t sign yourself up!”

Yosuke glowers. “They must have done this. The girls,” he says to Yu, voice low. “They must have signed us up.”

“As revenge, most likely,” Yu reminds him.

Yosuke pretends he doesn’t hear that.

* * *

“You better have a damn good explanation for this.”

Chie scowls at Yosuke and crosses her arms over her chest. “For what?” she asks. “What are you talking about?”

“For what?! For signing us up for a cross dressing pageant, that’s what!”

“Oh.” Chie shifts and rolls her eyes, then lets her face fall into an expression approaching contrite. Yosuke knows better, though, and he’s sure that what she’s feeling is nothing more than annoyance at getting caught. “Right. _That_.” She shrugs. “I didn’t really have a choice. Rise-chan got excited and started laughing and saying how much fun it would be and, you know, how much fun we would have watching you guys, so. There was really nothing I could do to stop it. Besides, Kashiwagi seemed happy that she’d finally gotten more participants.”

“I don’t care about that,” Yosuke says, seething. “This is cross dressing, Chie. Cross dressing!”

“And? It serves you right, anyway. You’re the one who started it, signing us up for the beauty pageant. 

Yosuke flushes. “That’s… Not even the point…”

“Don’t be nervous, Yosuke-kun,” Yukiko says. She tosses her head a little and looks him over with an analytical eye. “You don’t need to worry if you’ve never done it before, we’ll make sure you all look enchanting.”

His eyes widen. “I’m not worried about that, it’s not what’s important here.”

“Yeah,” Kanji agrees, his voice loud and his face red. “It’s… it’s about a man’s pride, damn it!”

“Hmm.” Yu clears his throat and steps forward. Everyone stills, waiting for whatever pronouncement he’ll make. And that’s it, Yosuke thinks, once Yu says something the girls will feel awful, they’ll regret what they did, Yu will show them. “Okay,” he says. “I’ll give it my all.”

Kanji turns redder and Yosuke’s mouth drops open. “Wh-what are you… Come on, Yu, you can’t be serious!”

Chie looks triumphant. “Pride or not, Kanji, you better do your all, too! There’s no backing out. If you want to try to get out of it, take that up with Kashiwagi.”

“Oh come on,” Yosuke pleads. “There’s no way she’s gonna listen!”

“Hmm, we wouldn’t know anything about that,” Yukiko says, and all three boys feel a chill go down their spines.

“H-hey,” Kanji says. “I don’t know about Kashiwagi, but there ain’t no way I’m doing this. Period!”

“Kanji-kun,” Yukiko says, her voice soft, “would it really be wise to disappoint a teacher like that? With the mandatory attendance policy and all… And I know you’ve had some trouble before…”

He blanches, his expression landing somewhere between being impressed and afraid. “You’re scary, senpai, you know that?”

They argue a little more, but Yosuke knows there’s not really anything they can do. Kanji is mollified when Chie assures him that with Rise, they can at least make the guys look pretty. And Yu - as always - seems perfectly happy just going along with things, unbothered even by the thought of having to dress up as a girl.

Yosuke tries to imagine what that might look like: Yu, in a dress, in a girl’s uniform. His mind stutters over the pictures it has created and he thinks of Yu as a girl. It’s a thought that’s both arousing and deeply unsettling. When he gets home from school he runs to his bedroom and shuts himself in. He falls onto his bed and lays on his stomach, his head resting on crossed arms. He groans and tries to convince himself that he’s not doing exactly what he knows he’s doing: thinking about Yu, alone, in his bedroom. He’s never allowed himself this before, not consciously, not with the full, heavy knowledge that who he’d be thinking about would be, without doubt, Yu. He’s had fantasies before, about features that were suspiciously close to Yu’s, about someone he couldn’t - and _wouldn’t_ \- identify, but never has he knowingly put Yu’s face to those imaginary bodies.

The thought of kissing Yu, as much as he wants it, ties his stomach into knots. So he imagines instead just hanging out with Yu. Walking with him, laughing, then going back to Yu’s room and maybe then, after playing a game or studying together, Yu would just look at him. And if Yu leaned over and kissed him - started it, initiated it, without asking permission even - then Yosuke couldn’t be blamed. He’d be complicit… but not at fault. And then it would be rude not to kiss back so he would, of course he would. And when he imagines Yu shifting closer and tugging on his hair and opening his mouth Yosuke starts panicking, his head swimming with faltering arousal. He leaps off his bed and stands, his hands grabbing hold of his biceps, wrapped around his torso. 

He’s torn. Half of him is still in denial, unwilling to admit what he feels for his best friend is inextricably tied into his sexuality. The other half is screaming at him, telling him to imagine Yu’s eyes and his smile and the way he leaves his last button undone so his stomach shows when he raises his arms, the way he fights shadows, the way his fingers curve around the handle of his blade, the heavy weight of his name - _Yosuke_ \- in that goddamn pretty mouth.

Yosuke bites his lip.

And hesitates.

Suddenly he hears voices outside the door and he starts. He hadn’t been caught, he hadn’t even done anything, but he feels suddenly guilty all the same. It’s just his mother and Teddie, and after another few seconds their voices fade. But it’s like a splash of cold water over his whole body and the tight curl of arousal in his belly disintegrates, leaving him feeling empty and embarrassed.

_Damn it,_ he thinks, throwing himself back onto his bed. He presses his face deep into the blanket on top and groans. _I like him so much._ He takes a ragged breath and the scent of his bed - comforting, familiar, safe - makes him feel a little calmer. _What am I going to do,_ he thinks. _What the hell am I going to do?_

* * *

_October 29_

Everyone in the class is annoyed with Yosuke for suggesting the Group Date Café, and while it’s frustrating to deal with, he can’t really blame them.

“This sucks,” he tells Chie as they stand at the class booth, waiting for someone - anyone - to come by.

She has her hands on her hips with her feet apart, staring aggressively into the hall. “Duh,” she says. She huffs. “Why’d you have to go and suggest something like this, anyway?”

“Well I didn’t think it would get chosen, did I?” He rolls his eyes. “I’m… sorry, I guess.”

“Hey,” the class rep says. He adjusts his glasses. “Stop chatting and start trying to bring in potential dates.”

“Come on in!” Yukiko says. There are barely even any students passing by. “Come experience a first-hand group dating… experience…” She sighs and turns to Chie. “I don’t think anyone’s coming in. This is so embarrassing.”

“We just have to get people interested,” the class rep says. He glances over everyone slowly, appraising them. It makes them all feel a little uncomfortable. Before anyone can say anything about it, though, he barrels ahead. “There aren’t even that many people coming by, so we have to get the attention of the ones who do.” He adjusts his glasses again. “By any means necessary. We need to make it look fun, so people will want to try it. We need to lead my example!”

Yukiko blinks at him. “You mean… we need a plant?”

“Exactly. A practice date.” He looks at all of them expectantly.

Yosuke groans. “So we have to do it? We’ve only got five people. How’s that even going to work?”

“We’re the only ones here, Hanamura! We’ll have to make it work.”

And then, to everyone’s surprises, someone walks in. “Yo,” Kanji says, stalking in. “I just came to check on you guys. How’s it… going…” He trails off, seeing the plaintive - and in at least one case almost predatory - looks all aimed at him. 

Chie beams. “Perfect timing!”

“Yeah, but Kanji won’t work,” Yosuke says. Kanji turns red and bows up, snarling and ready to defend himself. Yosuke raises his hands, trying to placate him. “I mean,” he says. “Because Kanji’s another guy. We’ll have four guys and only two girls.”

The class rep sighs. “And? That’s not a big deal. Someone will just sit on the girl’s side.” He clears his throat. “One of you, I mean.”

Yosuke’s about to argue when Yu takes a seat at the table and raises his hand to volunteer. “I don’t mind,” he says, looking calm and cool as hell. “I’ll sit on the girl’s side.” 

“Problem solved. Everybody else sit down and let’s get started.”

Chie and Yukiko, both looking uncomfortable, sit down on Yu’s side. Kanji and the class rep sit down across from them, leaving the only open seat right in front of Yu. Yosuke thinks he might actually die. “What are you doing?” he hisses at Yu as he slides into his seat. “You can’t just… You’re _not_ … I mean, what hell, dude?!”

Yu shrugs. “We needed somebody to do it and it seemed like I would mind the least.” 

Yosuke doesn’t respond and once he goes quiet, they all sit in awkward silence. It is the longest moment of Yosuke’s life. Chie looks around, avoiding eye contact with anyone, and Yukiko is staring down at her hands in her lap. Yu just smiles when Yosuke looks over at him, and their eyes meet for a long, electric moment. Yosuke coughs and looks away, breaking out in a cold sweat.

_Why_ , he wonders. It feels like a betrayal, Yu taking the spot he did, knowing that Yosuke would be there, that no matter that it was just practice, just fake, it was still a date. A date. It’s not Yu’s fault they got pressed into it, and Yosuke knows that, but he can’t help feeling a little angry. Yu said he wouldn’t tease him, that everything would go back to normal, but here they are: on a date. And Yu doesn’t look uncomfortable at all, especially not compared to everyone else. 

There are another few agonizing moments of silence before the class rep takes charge. “Okay,” he says. “Someone… please start.”

Kanji makes an aggrieved sort of grunt. “Start?” he asks. “Start what? What the hell is this?”

“It’s a mock group date,” Yosuke explains through gritted teeth. Kanji goes red and looks away from everyone, refusing to make eye contact.

“W-well… We can’t just sit here,” Chie says. “So…” She swallows, looking nervous, and then fixes her eyes on Yosuke. He feels a wave of panic start to rise as she thinks for a moment, about to speak. 

Luckily for him, Kanji beats her to it. “So what are your hobbies?” he asks quickly. He’s still red and obviously embarrassed, but besides Yu he seems the most willing to play along.

Chie and Yukiko exchange a look. “Uh… I like martial arts,” Chie says. “Practicing… but mostly watching cool movies.” She shrugs. “You know.”

Yukiko smiles nervously and says “I, um… suppose my hobby is defeating shadows.”

They all gape at her. “Th-that’s not a hobby!” Yosuke sputters out. 

“Oh yeah… Sorry,” Yukiko says. She looks abashed and any momentum they had been gaining is completely dispelled.

After a long moment, though, Yu picks it back up. “My hobby is petting the stray cat outside my uncle’s house.”

Yosuke groans. “Dude you’re such a dork.” Yu just grins at him and Yosuke blushes.

Chie clears her throat. “Okay, well, we answered your question, so now it’s our turn! What kind of girl do you like?“

Yosuke blanches and the sound hollows out to a buzzing in his ears. The other two answer - Kanji obviously talking about Naoto - but he can barely listen. When it’s his turn, everybody looks at him and his mind blanks. He likes cute girls, girls who are sweet and funny, maybe a little shy, girls who think he’s cool and who will let him take care of them. He’s always liked girls like that and he still does, but he also likes… His eyes cut to Yu, who’s looking at him, waiting for his answer like everyone else. _Yu,_ he thinks, _I like Yu._ Yosuke stands up before he can think about what he’s doing, his hands flat on the table. “I like… k-kind girls,” he says. “I like girls you can be friends with, who don’t mind when you stay up talking too late, or make dumb jokes. Who are smart, and don’t mind helping you study. Who have seen the worst of you, but like you anyway.”

Everyone’s gaping at him and after a moment of silence he sits back down. “Y-yeah,” he says. “That’s the kind of… of girl I like.”

“Wow Yosuke,” Chie says, “that’s pretty good! I was just expecting you to be gross and say how much you liked cute girls.”

“Me, too.” It’s quiet, so Yu clears his throat. Everyone looks over at him and his voice is strong and clear. “Me, too,” he says, looking down. Then he lifts his eyes to Yosuke. “I like boys like that, too.”

For a long moment, Yosuke can’t speak.

No one else seems to take what he’s said seriously. “Yeah,” Chie says thoughtfully. “I want somebody like that, too!”

“Yes,” Yukiko says thoughtfully, tapping her chin. “But maybe… What about the son of a notorious yakuza enforcer, forced to choose between his family and his true love, charged with the assassination of his sweetheart’s father?”

Chie rolls her eyes. “Yukiko, that’s the plot of a manga you just read.”

She giggles. “Yes, but it would be an interesting romance, don’t you think?”

Just then, a figure appears in the doorway. “Hi senpai!” Rise says, waving and rocking on her heels. She smiles, her face round and her eyes sparkling. “I came to see what you guys were up to.”

“It’s a group date cafe,” Yosuke explains.

Rise gasps. “Ooh a date with senpai!” She walks - or bounces, Yosuke thinks, even the way she walks is cute - over and settles between Yosuke and Kanji, right across from Yu. She winks and props one elbow on Kanji’s shoulder. 

“Uh… you’re on the wrong side, Rise,” Kanji says. “This is the guys’ side.”

“But I want to date Yu-senpai! Aren’t we across from our dates?”

“No!” Chie and the class rep say at the same time.

“I don’t, uh… y’know…” Kanji shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “I mean Yukiko-senpai’s pretty but I don’t think…”

Yukiko nods. “R-right.”

Yu just smiles blithely. “I’m fine with that.”

Yosuke wishes he could melt into the floor.

“You have two dates then, senpai,” Rise says. “Which one of us can be your boyfriend?” She beams and tosses her hair, bringing out her brightest idol smile.

He makes a show of thinking about it. “I think you’re too pretty, Rise. It would make everyone else jealous. I pick Yosuke.”

Rise pouts and Chie laughs and no one notices Yosuke’s knuckles turning white where he’s gripping the table, or the hot liquid gathering in the corners of his eyes.

“No fair!” Rise whines. “If i’m not a good boyfriend i’ll come over to the girl’s side and be your girlfriend! Just think about it, senpai. The forbidden love of two beautiful best friends!” She twirls away from Kanji and Yosuke and comes over to Yu, leaning down to grab his arm between hers.

Yukiko puts one hand absently to her cheek, staring into nothing. “Oh my,” she says quietly, her face turning a soft, rosy color. “That would make a good story, too.”

“I can’t… !” Yosuke stands up so quickly the feet of his chair clatter against the floor.” His hands are at fists by his sides. “I need some air,” he says, deliberate, staring down at the table with unblinking focus. “You guys finish this without me.”

“Yosuke!” Chie calls after him as he storms out the door. “Wait!” 

Yosuke ignores her as he walks out into the hall. He reaches into his pocket and turns on his music player, then pops his headphones on over his ears. He ignores the rest of the festival going on around him and makes his way to the school exit. He feels drained and humiliated - because there are only two explanations for what Yu said. Either he was serious, or he wasn’t.

He promised that things would go back to normal, that they would be friends again just like before. He promised that they wouldn’t talk about it. He promised - he promised - that he wouldn’t tease Yosuke about it.

But it’s much easier to believe that he’d break all his promises than it is to believe he might have meant what he said. 

When he gets outside, Yosuke grabs his bike and hops on. The wind is biting against his face as he pedals toward home, and the guitar in his headphones is undercut by the sound of the wind whipping past him. The singer’s voice is soft and warm and strong. The words are in English, but he doesn’t need to understand to feel it. He wants to cry. He wants to scream. He wants to go back to school and tell everyone he’s sorry for getting so worked up over nothing, for storming out. They might think it’s because he’s jealous of Rise fawning over Yu. They might think it’s because he’s such an asshole he can’t even handle his best friend pretending to flirt with him. They’d be right.

He burns with shame as he gets home and goes up to his room. There’s something coating the back of his throat, making it hard to swallow, something like shame and self-loathing and - unexpectedly - desire.

He hears Yu say _I like boys like that_. He hears him say _I pick Yosuke_.

“Fuck,” he says, and then sticks his hand down his pants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have lots of notes, as usual, but honestly I'm just so happy this is done I'm feeling disinclined to be long-winded. I hate to say it, but the next chapter won't be up for at least another month. Real life is throwing everything at me right now! Good stuff but it's keeping me busy. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed! I might update/edit with notes if I can't stop myself. Comments are always appreciated, a big thank you to everyone who's supported/enjoyed the story so far!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is 100% dedicated to edenfire who did fanart of the last chapter. That really encouraged me - without that nudge this would have probably been later coming and shorter.

_October 30_

“Yosuke!” Teddie gasps, placing one hand directly over his heart. If he has a heart. He doesn’t have bones so Yosuke isn’t sure if organs are much of a factor. “Do you really mean it? Do I get to come, too?”

“Yes, Ted,” he says, then rolls his eyes as the bear gasps again. “Yeah, you can come and be in the pageant, too. It’s… going to be something. Not fun, that’s for damn sure. But… something.”

Teddie’s excitement is greater than Yosuke had anticipated and he’s glad to run into Kanji just to have some sort of buffer.

“Why’s the bear here, Yosuke-senpai?” Kanji asks. There’s an air of defeat around him, casual, laying uneasily across his shoulders. He doesn't seem any more excited than Yosuke is about the upcoming contest.

Yosuke shrugs. “He was bored and wanted to come. I told him he could be in the pageant if he wanted.”

Kanji’s eyebrows shot up. They’re dark against his skin, which is washed out by the bleached blond of his hair. “You’re tellin’ me he wanted to be in the pageant? Like voluntarily?”

“Of course!” Teddie says, puffing out his chest and looking proud. “You might not understand, but a hot stud like me is obligated to share his beauty with the world!”

Kanji lowers his voice. “Does he know that he’ll be dressed up like a girl?”

“You know,” Yosuke says, shaking his head, “I really don’t think he’d care.”

“Huh.” Kanji looks at Teddie, wary but impressed. After another moment, just before Teddie’s beaming becomes insufferable, he clears his throat. “So… Where’re Yu-senpai and the girls? Supposed to be helpin’ us get ready, right?”

Yosuke’s shoulders tighten. “I don’t know,” he says. He’s been going out of his way not to know where Yu is. 

“Well we got to go find them! I don’t have a clue how the hell I’m supposed to dress like a girl.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and mutters. “Ask me to make a dress, sure, but that don’t mean I know how to wear one…”

They wander around until they run into someone from the second years’ class who points them towards an empty classroom. The first pageant would be the one with the boys, and it’s getting close to starting time. 

Chie sighs with relief when they come in. “There you are!” she says. “Geez, what are you doing? Come sit down, we have to get you ready!” Yu is already there, sitting in front of Yukiko, who’s pointing a make up brush at him like it’s a sword. 

“What are you doing here, Teddie?” Yu asks. Yukiko frowns when he turns his head to look at them.

He jumps up and down, looking gleeful. “I’m going to compete, too, sensei!” 

“Ahh. I see.” Yu nods, his expression growing stern. “I have a true competitor.”

Rise giggles and says “We’ll see about that! I think you’ll be super cute, senpai. You’ll probably win.” She winks.

“Hey!” Kanji says. He clenches one fist and looks angrily between the others. His face is flushed, his eyes growing brighter as he gets more and more flustered. Everyone pauses, wondering where he’s going with his sudden outburst. Naoto tugs at her cap and Kanji’s ears are scarlet. “I-I mean…” He swallows. “Well I don’t want to win or nothin’ I guess but you promised we’d all look pretty, too.”

Rise rolls her eyes and sighs. “Don’t worry Moronji,” she says, making a show of her exasperation. “I’ll make sure you look great.” She tilts her head and studies Kanji, her eyes narrowing. The tip of her tongue peeks out from between her lips. “But… it might take more work than I thought. Come on! We need to get started!” She grabs Kanji’s hand and tugs.

“H-hey,” he says. “What the hell are you doing?”

Rise just laughs. “Over here!” she trills, pulling Kanji off for some privacy. “Come on, Kanji, it’s time to make you gorgeous!”

Everyone watches them go out the door - Kanji somewhat begrudgingly. Chie taps her finger on her chin. “Hmm,” she says. “I wasn’t expecting Teddie here, but if he’s going to suffer with you guys I guess we need someone to help him, too. Sorry, Naoto, do you mind?”

Naoto, who is standing very close to the door with her hat pulled over her eyes, looks up suddenly, her body tight with surprise. “Um… m-me?” she asks. She visibly swallows. “I don’t know that I am the most… qualified, but I suppose I could - “

“Perfect!” Chie says. “Then we’ll leave Teddie to you.”

“Yes!” Teddie cheers, raising one arm up in a celebratory pump, then spinning in a quick, tight circle. “The Teddie-Naoto team will be unstoppable! We’ll win for sure.”

“Of course…” Naoto says, voice significantly absent of Teddie’s confidence.

He strikes a pose. “First!” he says, holding one imperious finger up in front of her. “We’ll need some dazzling make-up.”

“Y-yes, of course.” Naoto looks thoughtful and then says “I suppose I should go borrow a make-up kit from someone then.”

“The battle begins!” 

Seeing that Teddie is taken care of, Chie turns her attention back to Yosuke. “Dazzling make-up, huh? For you, I’m thinking… false eyelashes!”

Yosuke swallows. His stomach swells with nervous energy and he can’t keep himself from looking over at Yu. He’s sitting calm in front of Yukiko as she studies his features. Yosuke can’t help but trace over them himself, following the sharp lines of Yu’s profile - from the hair hanging over his forehead to the softened pout of his mouth. Then Yukiko pulls out a bundle of clothing from the bag she’d brought and hands it to Yu. And Yosuke realizes that he needs to get away. Now.

“Chie!” he hisses, gesturing towards Yu. Both Yu and Yukiko look over to him and he turns away from them, tugging Chie with him. She scowls and pulls away, bumping him with her elbow. “Chie,” he says again, voice quieter, “I don’t… I mean, maybe we should go somewhere more private, too? Like if I have to… change and stuff?” And if Yu has to change... Yosuke thinks, torn between several warring feelings, all of which say it’s a bad idea to see Yu in any sort of undress. He does not want to be there. And he does want to be there, very much, and hates himself for it. It’s as if all the moments he’s ignored for weeks - months, perhaps - have come barrelling out of his subconscious at once. He can’t look at Yu without wanting him, so badly, so desperately - his whole body running on a strange, electric energy.

He tries to think with any kind of specificity, to pinpoint something - anything - that might focus, or even explain, his attraction, but.

It’s… the whole of him, Yosuke thinks, his mouth dry and his heart tripping over each beat. It’s all of him, everything, each little piece of him almost unbearably well-placed, fitted perfectly together with every other. It’s not just his eyes, or his laugh, or the way he listens, or the easy curve of his mouth - which, hell, Yosuke thinks desperately, maybe, maybe, his mouth most of all - it’s that everything together makes up a boy who’s so good and kind and yes, Yosuke thinks, on the verge of tearing at his hair, so damn hot that he’s teetering dangerously on the edge of perfect. All of him. That’s what Yosuke wants.

And now, just thinking about Yu changing near him is making Yosuke sweat. He does not care how, or what bullshit excuse he might have to give Chie, he is getting out.

“Let’s just get me ready somewhere else.”

“That’s actually a good idea, Yosuke,” Yu says. He’s looking at his partner with eyes like lightning. Yosuke gapes, heat coursing through him. But then Yu looks over at Chie and smiles, his expression almost bland. “If i’m going to win, I can’t let the competition see Yukiko’s work.”

Chie lights up. “Hey now, Narukami,” she says, “don’t count Yosuke out yet! Just wait until you see what we’ve got.”

“R-right,” Yosuke says, still staring at Yu. Chie grabs his arm and tugs him out of the room. 

They wind up in a nearby empty classroom, and Chie pushes Yosuke down into a chair. She tilts her head to the left and stares, then to the right, her eyes narrowing. “Hmm,” she says. “This might be harder than I thought.”

“Chie!”

“What?” she asks defensively, putting her hands on her hips. “Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I know how to make you look like one. I think we’re definitely going to have to use make-up.” She leans in a little closer. “Maybe a lot of make-up…”

“I’m not like Teddie or… or Yu,” he says. “I don’t care about winning. And unlike Kanji, I don’t care if I’m pretty. I really just want to get this over with.”

Chie rolls her eyes. “You have to get into the spirit of it.”

He slumps down and scowls. “Oh, like you? Are you getting into the spirit of it for your beauty pageant?”

“Shut up,” she says, her voice growing sharper. “If you hadn’t signed us up in the first place, none of this would even be happening. It’s your own fault you know.”

Yosuke doesn’t feel like arguing - mostly because even though he resents her for signing him up, she’s mostly right - so he just looks away from her, keeping a sullen silence.

Chie lets him sit there for maybe a minute before she huffs and grabs a bag she’d brought with her, shoving it at his chest. “Here,” she says. “Go to the bathroom and get changed. I’m pretty sure this will fit you, though the skirt might be a little short.” Yosuke turns red. “And why’d you get so weird about the changing, anyway? It’s not like I was going to let Yu change right there, in front of Yukiko.”

“I wasn’t being weird,” Yosuke says, standing up. “I didn’t… I mean I…” He sighs and rolls his eyes, pushing past Chie. “It’s better if we get ready separately, anyway.”

“Whatever,” Chie mutters.

She’s following behind him and Yosuke stops. “What are you doing?” he asks, angry. “I’m going to change!”

“Yeah, and probably going to try to slip away or go out the window or something! I’m waiting right outside the door until you’re done, Yosuke.” She pokes him for emphasis. “Now go!”

She marches him to the bathroom and Yosuke, with rising dread, goes inside as Chie waits like a guard at the door. There’s no one else inside, and hopefully no one else will try to come in with Chie right there. He sets the bag on the counter by the sink and pulls out the outfit Chie had brought him. The first piece of clothing is a soft, worn sweater vest in a dull sort of peach color. There’s a short sleeved white shirt to go under it, and then, just as she’d said, a skirt. What looks like a mini skirt, small and pleated and red. And terrible, Yosuke thinks. “Ugh,” he says, out loud to the mirror, where he sees his reflection holding up the skirt. “I’m gonna get Chie for this.”

He looks around the empty bathroom, then ducks into a toilet stall. He takes his uniform jacket off first, because at least the top isn’t really different from something a guy might normally wear. He takes his headphones off next, folding his jacket and putting it in the bag under the other clothes, and tucking the headphones carefully on top of it. He puts on the starched white shirt over the v-neck he’s wearing, which is tight enough to lay flat under everything else. It fits well, actually. He pulls the sweater on next, smoothing it out and adjusting the shirt collar around the neck. It’s long and a little baggy, coming down to his hips. It probably looks stupid with his uniform pants, but he’d far prefer to go out in front of everyone looking stupid than wearing a skirt. He lifts it up and looks at it. Chie’s right, it does look a little short. He wonders how long he can get away with staying in the bathroom. Chie probably wouldn’t come get him herself - although, he thinks, he probably shouldn’t underestimate her - but she might send Yu. That would be worse, especially if he hadn’t gotten dressed into whatever Yukiko had brought for him yet. 

He undoes his pants.

Yosuke is almost surprised nothing happens, that nothing has shifted with his decision not to fight against the inevitable. He shoves his pants down to his ankles and then steps out of them. His legs feel strange to be so bare, especially at school, and it makes his confidence wilt. He feels exposed, almost vulnerable, and he’s suddenly glad that Chie included long socks to go with the outfit. He takes a deep breath, and steps through the skirt. He pulls it up snug to his hips, and fastens it. 

There, he thinks. He grabs his pants and uniform jacket and steps back out towards the mirror. He looks at himself and it’s not a stranger staring back, not like he expected, it’s just… himself.

He looks like Yosuke. Just Yosuke in a skirt. It doesn’t suddenly transform him into a girl, though he realizes that’s sort of what he expected. The feminine clothing might get him mistaken for a girl, maybe, somewhere people didn’t know him, but really he just looks like maybe his laundry got mixed up or he got dressed in the dark. It doesn’t change him.

Blushing a little, he twists his hips left and right, feeling the strange sensation of the skirt whisking across his thighs. It twirls with him, lifting for a moment before slapping gently at his side, then repeating the movement to the other with the spin of his body.

There’s a large bow that came with the outfit that he’ll make Chie tie for him, and black socks that can be pulled up to his knees. Fumbling a little on one foot, he leans against the wall of the bathroom and pulls on one sock, then the other. They offer the long, bare length of his legs more protection, and it helps calm his shaky nerves a little. 

“Well,” he says to the mirror, his reflection scared and somber-eyed, “here goes nothing.”

He takes a breath and then opens the door. “Okay,” he says softly, looking down at the floor. “I’m dressed, Chie.”

She sizes him up quickly, gaze tracing the whole length of him. Yosuke pulls at the hem of his skirt, feeling so damn exposed. It might be different in shorts, he thinks, not this loose, nothing garment that could flip up with any sort of misstep.

“All right!” Chie says, and she sounds pleased. “You actually look pretty good. Not going to lie, Yosuke.” They head back towards the empty classroom they were in, Yosuke keeping his head down so no one they meet in the halls will see his face. “I really wasn’t sure you could pull it off. And I might have thought about sabotaging you, just a little.” He looks up, sharp, and Chie says defensively “Just as payback! It’s your fault we’re all in this mess. That Kashiwagi, I can’t believe we have to go through with this…”

“Chie! Come on, isn’t signing us up for this stupid pageant revenge enough?”

“Yeah, I guess,” she says, and he’s a little upset she seems unsure. “Where’s the bow? We’ve got to put that on too.”

Yosuke rolls his eyes and fishes it out of the bag Chie had brought for him. She ties it, fixing it at his collar: large and floppy and a lurid shade of bright red. He hates the skirt more, but it didn’t make him feel as silly as the large bow does.

He sighs. “I look ridiculous.”

“Well…” Chie turns a little pink, hiding a smile behind her hand. “It doesn’t actually look bad! Really! And it’s not quite done, anyway. We need to do something with your hair, and then do your make-up.”

“Why can’t we leave my hair like it is?” he asks, touching it self-consciously.

“Because it has to look girly! Rise brought wigs, I think, but I don’t know where they ended up. Hmm, I guess you’re right, though. Your hair is probably girly enough already.”

“Th-that’s not what I meant!” He looks away, scowling. “My hair’s not girly…”

Chie gasps. “Ooh, wait, I know!” She pulls out an elastic hair band from her pocket. There are two plastic strawberries attached. “This’ll be perfect!” She moves towards him, hands up towards his hair and then pauses, unsure of what she’s going to do. “Um. Okay, so I guess what we need to do… Uh… First, sit down.” He does, and she takes a handful of his hair at the top of his head and tightens it in her fist. Then she ties it off with the hair band, adjusting it so the two strawberries are easy to see. “There,” she says, looking proud of herself. “It’s done! It looks… pretty good, I think!”

She puts her hands on her hips and gives him a triumphant grin. Yosuke reaches up, gingerly, to feel the tuft of hair sticking up near the top of his head. “It feels stupid.”

“No,” Chie says, frowning at him. “It looks… great…”

“Sure,” he snorts. “Let me see, then.”

She has another small blue bag with her, full of make-up he thinks, and she digs out a round compact and shoves it at Yosuke. He pops it open and holds it up close to his face, inspecting Chie’s work. His appearance hasn’t really changed much - not even his hair looks much different, aside from the little tail sticking up off sides near the crown of his head. He frowns.

“Pretty good, huh?” Chie asks after another moment of silence.

Yosuke snaps the compact shut and hands it back to her. “I don’t know, Chie, it’s just… I mean…” He trails off and then his thoughts jolt, because he’s not sure what he means. He’s not sure how he’s supposed to feel about how he looks, he’s not even sure how he’s supposed to look. Shouldn’t he hate it more than he does? It isn’t fun, anticipating the school’s reaction, and he’s dreading having to go out on stage. But the skirt doesn’t make him feel any different, not really, and that strikes him as strange. That makes him feel worse, and his stomach drops, a heavy, thunderous sort of dread booming through the empty parts of him. His face feels warm and his limbs are tingling. “I don’t really look like a girl, do I?” he asks.

“Not really,” Chie says, not even bothering to pretend otherwise. “Although…” She huffs and says, “You can’t repeat this, Yosuke, I mean it! But even though you’re a guy…” She giggles, then presses her lips together like she didn’t mean to let the laughter escape. “You’re actually pretty cute.”

Yosuke groans and leans over, putting his face in his hands. “You don’t have to make this worse, Chie.”

“It’s not like being cute is bad,” she mutters, but he ignores her.

“This is going to be hard enough, okay? I know, I know, it sucks and you’re going through it, too, but I hate it, and the whole school’s going to see me, and Yu’s going to see me, and of all things it had to be a freaking beauty pageant, didn’t it?” He groans again and his fingers wind through his hair, tugging as his forehead hovers near his knees.

“Yeah, beauty pageants are pretty dumb.”

“You don’t get it,” he says, “It’s - “ He cuts himself off abruptly. Chie doesn’t know about his shadow. Nobody knows, except Yu. There’s nobody Yosuke can tell, nobody he can commiserate with. Everyone probably thinks he’s just being whiny again, like always, complaining about something that he’s to blame for in the first place.

“It’s what?” Chie asks. And if he’d expected sympathy in her voice, he’s disappointed, because she only sounds annoyed with him.

“It’s hard, okay? Just let it go, Chie.”

“Uh, no, not when you’re being so dramatic about it!” He looks up at her and she crosses her arms over her chest, peering down at him with narrowed eyes. “Why’s it any harder for you than anyone else? Especially poor Naoto!”

His voice goes quiet. “I didn’t say it was harder.”

“Then what’s the problem? Like you said, it’s not like you even look like a girl. And it’ll be over soon, anyway!”

Yosuke licks his lips and says, “When I went after my shadow, the dungeon was a damn beauty pageant, okay? That’s why this is so embarrassing.” He regrets it almost as soon as he says it, but it’s out there and he can’t take it back. The dread he felt is slowly forming into panic, because as much as a part of him wants to talk about it, there is no way - no way, he thinks fiercely - that Chie, or anyone, can ever know about his feelings for Yu. The color drains from his face as he looks at Chie’s wide eyes.

“Oh,” she breathes. “Sorry, Yosuke, I didn’t know.” They both look away, breaking eye contact, and Chie fidgets in place, suddenly subdued. “We’ve all noticed you’ve been kind of off since then,” she says, still not looking at him. “No one wanted to say anything to upset you, and we wouldn’t say anything anyway because a shadow’s a really personal thing. We all felt bad for you, but…” She scratches the back of her head. “We were kind of relieved it hadn’t happened to us - at least I was - and that made me feel super guilty, too. Sorry if you, uh… If you needed us and we weren’t there.”

There’s a long pause and then Yosuke says “Would you have still signed me up for this if you had known?”

“Hey!” Chie says, spirit lifting with anger. “You’re the one who started this, Yosuke! You shouldn’t have signed us up.” He laughs once, barely more than a breath, and they both fall silent again. Then she says “Is that why you were so weird about Yu?” Her nose crinkles up. “Did you… already have to dress up like a girl before? Was you shadow, uh… dressed up like - “

“No!” Yosuke says, practically jumping up out of his seat. “What the hell, Chie, of course not!”

She shrugs, looking sheepish. “Sorry, geez. But you were so quick to run out of the room where Yukiko was getting him ready, and it hasn’t just been you who’s been acting weird, but he’s been weird ever since your second shadow, too. He’s been...” She waves a hand in front of her face, searching for the words to describe him. “Kind of… more himself than usual. Like flat, you know? He’s always really hard to read, but lately it’s like he’s got himself locked up so much that nothing comes through.”

Yosuke winces. _Flat_ is a good way to describe Yu, he thinks, even if it’s unfair at the same time. The boy without a shadow, the new kid, the leader, even Yosuke’s partner… That’s what Yu is, but not who. He is so careful, always, to be whatever those around him need him to be. He plays sports, he helps out with the band, he has jobs all over Inaba after-school, he’s friends with almost everyone. He listens, but Yosuke has noticed more and more lately that he rarely talks. Yu doesn’t open up, not really, not often at least, and it cuts him deeply to know that he’s the reason why Yu has closed up even more. “Flat,” he repeats, his voice kept carefully neutral.

“Hmm, yeah,” Chie says, thoughtfully. “That’s the best way I can describe it, just really… the same, you know, like how it seems like he’s feeling? Like he has one setting and it’s always on. And lately it’s just… more obvious that maybe there’s something going on behind that. He doesn’t seem like himself, it’s like he’s wearing a mask of himself.” Chie snaps her fingers. “Yeah, that’s it! That’s what I was trying to say. Flat like a mask, like he's pretending, stuck on one expression.” Her gaze cuts to Yosuke for half a second, something almost accusing inside. “I guess whatever happened was rough on him, too.”

Yosuke doesn’t respond.

The silence stretches for a beat too long. Then Chie clears her throat and says “You know, me and Yukiko? We were actually closer after our shadows. It’s only been a few days, maybe soon you guys can talk about it. It might make you feel better. Both of you.”

She’s standing in front of him, looking uncomfortable but sincere. A part of him wishes he could explain what’s going on, tell her why he and Yu - shit, he feels like garbage that it’s affecting Yu - are acting strangely. But that’s not something he can do. That’s not something he can ever do. He can’t let anyone know, he has to keep it wrapped up inside him, locked away, acknowledged yes, because of his damn shadow, but never discussed or thought about or acted upon. Soon, he’s sure, his feelings will fade. Yu will be his best friend, his partner, like always, and soon he won’t yearn for anything more. He won’t feel that gnawing inside him, a growing emptiness, as he looks at someone so far, far out of his reach. He’ll get over it soon.

Like you got over Saki? A part of him asks, a little voice in the back of his head. Yosuke winces, and wishes he hadn’t thought about it, feels the ache all over again that her death had caused.

Chie clears her throat again. “Hey,” she says, sounding worried, voice a little aggressive. “Are you okay, Yosuke?”

“It’s just… The pageant sucks,” he says, folding back his wayward thoughts. He tucks Yu and Saki away, clears his head of the fog thoughts of them caused.

“It’s not that bad,” Chie says, brows drawn and her mouth pinched in a frown. “Now let me do your make-up. Maybe if you… looked better, it would make it easier.” She hands him a headband and he sighs and pulls it over his head, pushing it up to his hairline to keep his hair out of the way. “I just… Gotta figure out where to start.” She digs out a tube of moisturizer and squeezes some onto the tips of her fingers. She sets it back in the bag and then rubs her hands together, then smears it onto Yosuke’s face. It feels strange, especially with someone else’s hands on his skin. It’s weird intimate and he flushes, his pulse increasing, fidgeting with discomfort. “Hold still,” Chie tells him.

“Sorry,” he says. “But this is really weird.”

“I know,” she says. Her face is a little red, too. She’s careful to stay on one side of him; he has his knees pressed tight together, and even if it would make him easier to reach if Chie stood in the space between his legs, there’s no way that’s going to happen. If this tiny skirt flipped up or he shifted the wrong way and he accidentally flashed her? If Chie didn’t kill him he might just be humiliated to death. Besides that, the thought of a girl between his legs is... maybe something he just shouldn't think about at all right now.

She puts the cap back on the moisturizer and takes out a big, fluffy brush. She opens a powder compact, the same one she’d handed Yosuke to look at his hair, and rubs the brush in a hard circle to pick up the powder. “Close your eyes,” she says. Yosuke obeys, and in big, sweeping strokes she brushes the soft powder on his face. His nose twitches, but he stays as still as he can. “There!” Chie announces. He opens his eyes and sees her looking down into her bag, pulling out several small pots and compacts and what looked like a large crayon.

“Uh… what’s that for?”

“It’s blush,” she answers. “Rise said to make sure to pick a color that works for you, but…” Chie holds up two identical crystal pots, one in a rosy pink and one in a richer, creamy orange. She puts them close to his face, one by his right cheek and one by his left. “Um… you wear a lot of orange so maybe this one is good? But pink is kind of girlier.” She looks over her other options for a moment - and Yosuke has no idea where she got so much make-up, it looks like they might have raided an entire drugstore - and then chooses the brightest, most intense shade of pink she has.

And part of Yosuke wants to be a good sport and just let her have free reign, do whatever damage to his face she wants. But at the same time, thinking about the entire school seeing him, all his friends, and most importantly Yu… He cares more than he thought he did, he realizes. And he resolved not to let his feelings out, but a part of him can’t help but want to look good - or at least look somewhere in a realm away from ridiculous. 

“H-hold on Chie,” he says, nervously. She stops and looks at him. “Maybe we could use something… not so bright? Or just use a really, really small amount?”

“I don’t know,” she replies. “I have a lot of blush here. We should probably use it.”

“I don’t… I really don’t want that.”

She sighs. “I know that you probably don’t feel comfortable dressed like this - “

“Probably? Hell no, I don’t feel comfortable like this.”

Chie ignores him. “But trust me, Yosuke! I know what I’m doing.” She laughs suddenly, wearing a nervous smile. “Mostly, at least.”

Yosuke gently pushes her out of his personal space and grabs a pale peach color of what he assumes is blush and a tube of mascara. “Use this,” he says, holding it out to her, “and that’s all.”

“What about lipstick? And I brought eyelashes, too.”

Yosuke groans. “Isn’t it almost time to start? Do we even have time for all of that?”

She rolls her eyes. “It’ll take like five minutes, Yosuke, come on.” She grabs another brush and opens the blush compact. She swirls the brush over the compact and a light dust comes off, peach with flecks of pink and gold. She studies Yosuke carefully and then in a soft circle dusts the apples of his cheeks. “Smile,” she says, and he does, his cheeks plumping up. “Well, that looks pretty natural I think.” She bites her lip for a second, still staring at him. It’s starting to make Yosuke uncomfortable. “Yeah. Yeah,” she says, sounding more sure, “That looks good! Ready for your lashes?”

Yosuke sighs and with trepidation says “Okay, Chie. Go ahead.”

* * *

Right before the pageant starts, the contestants line up in the wings. “Whoa,” Yosuke says when he sees Kanji. “What the hell happened to you?” He’s wearing a blonde wig - or what Yosuke is pretty sure is a wig, he didn’t think Kanji had that much hair - and a white dress, with halter straps and a full skirt. His cheeks are painted with circles of pink and his lips are a vivid red. Yosuke presses his own lips together; Chie had bullied him into a gloss and they feel heavy and sticky. It doesn’t taste great, either.

Kanji scowls. He even has large pearl earrings on his ears. “What? Like you look any better?” He rolls his shoulders, defensive, and says “Rise did it. She said she was really good at stuff like this, but then she was also sayin’ how she has all these stylists helping her, so. Blame her for how I look.” It’s hard to tell, but Yosuke thinks he flushes under his make-up. “Is it that bad?”

“Uh…” He rubs the back of his neck, not quite sure how to answer. “Sorry?”

“I think you look fine,” a voice behind Yosuke says, and he spins around quickly to see Yu. He hadn’t gotten to see Yu since he and Chie left to get ready, and he’d been both dreading it and incredibly curious. Yu’s wearing what looks like an older Yasogami uniform, with a long skirt and jacket. His hair, almost exactly the same color as his natural hair, is hanging in twin braids on either side of his slender neck. His face is smooth and clear, without a trace of unnatural color.

“Man senpai,” Kanji says, “You look like yourself. Except for the braids and skirt, I mean.”

He also has a kendo stick to complete the ensemble. “Thank you,” he says, smiling slightly. “Nice dress.” Kanji grunts, and Yu turns his attention to Yosuke. His smile grows a little wider. “Nice skirt.”

“H-hey,” Yosuke says. He crosses his arms over his chest and shifts his weight. He feels like a fool standing there in front of Yu and decides to just ignore the jab. Or compliment, but he can’t imagine Yu meant it sincerely. “I can’t believe we have to do this. That Chie! I don’t think she feels bad about this at all.”

The announcer comes out on the stage and all three turn their attention towards him. He introduces the pageant and then asks for the first contestant to come forward.

“Inaba born and bred,” he says into his microphone. “This beauty will hit with a fist or her killer looks! Say hello to Kanji from year one class three!”

Kanji stomps out onto the stage, looking fiercer than usual. He stands with his hands clenched into fists at his sides, his stance wide. “Yo,” he says.

“Now,” the announcer says, “why don’t you tell us your best feature!”

For a second Kanji looks taken aback and he blinks out into the crowd. “Uh… my eyes?”

“Wow,” the announcer says, faux-amazed. “A conventional answer from this _un_ -conventional beauty!”

The crowd laughs and jeers and peeking out, Yosuke groans. “Man, this sucks,” he whispers. “I feel so damn stupid. Look at Kanji out there. They’re merciless!”

“It’s not that bad,” Yu says, adjusting the braids of his wig. He looks over at Yosuke and cocks his head speculatively. Yosuke looks back, a little reluctant. “You actually look pretty cute.”

“What the _hell_ , Yu, no i don’t!” He hisses.

Yu shrugs, like it’s nothing, but his eyes are bright. “Think of it as a compliment. Maybe you’re stylish enough you can pull off anything.”

He’s torn between angry and flattered and embarrassed and he looks away, clutching the fabric of his skirt in one tight fist.

“Yosuke,” Yu says. “Hey.” Yosuke looks back at him and Yu says “I like what Chie did to your eyes. They’re pretty.”

His mouth falls open and he blinks and the powers of speech leave him completely. What can he say to that, he wonders. Why would Yu say it, why. 

The announcer starts his intro for the next contestant and whatever response Yosuke might have made has to be postponed, because it’s his turn to walk out.

“Just a second,” Yu says softly, pressing in close. “You have something just… right there…” And in the next second he touches the corner of Yosuke’s mouth with his thumb, and swipes gently along the fullness of Yosuke’s lower lip. “Lipstick smear,” Yu says, like what he’s done is no big deal, like he hasn’t just touched his best friend’s mouth.

Yosuke can hardly breathe. There is a pink stain on Yu’s thumb, a rosy blot of color against the rough whorl of his skin.

“I did that,” Yosuke thinks as he walks out into the stage. He feels a strange, interior sort of stillness. And even as the announcer introduces him, all he can think about is that little pink mark that rubbed off his mouth. 

“H-hi,” he says, pitching his voice high like a girl’s. He’s not really sure if the pageant is meant to be them as themselves or acting as girls.

“Wow,” the announcer says, looking him over. It makes Yosuke’s skin crawl a little. “You’re certainly a hot little number! Dressed to win in that outfit. Do you often dress like this?”

“Hell no,” Yosuke spits out. “Uh…” he winces. “I mean l-like… no way.”

The crowd is jeering still and Kanji growls quietly. He leans over and asks Yosuke “What the hell is this? We’re laughingstocks.”

Yosuke scoffs. “Well yeah… What did you think this was about?”

“Okay everyone,” the announcer says, “we’re not done yet. Our next contestant is a beauty from the big city. She’s made more girls cry than there are stars in the sky. Let’s welcome the heart breaker... miss Yu Narukami from class two two!”

A shiver runs down Yosuke’s back as Yu walks toward them. The crowd grows louder, with gasps and jeers and shouts.

“Senpai!” a girl wails. 

Yu hoists the kendo stick onto his shoulder. “Hello, everyone,” he says. “Here I am.”

The announcer grins. “Looks like you are causing quite a stir with the crowd! Lots of people are having very strong reactions to your look. Tell me, could it be that.. you signed yourself up for the pageant?”

“No,” Yu said. He didn’t sound nervous at all. “My friends forced me.”

“Yeah!” Yosuke calls. “Tell ‘em Chie Satonaka did it!” He can’t see Chie in the audience, but he hopes she heard him. “And damn that Kashiwagi,” he mutters. “I can’t believe she made us go through with this! I’m going to be scarred forever.”

“It’s not that bad, is it?” Yu asks. His voice is soft and he’s still looking out at the audience. He doesn’t really look like a girl at all, Yosuke thinks. And he’s still so damn good looking it makes Yosuke ache.

“It kind of is,” Yosuke replies in a whisper. And he tells himself again that it won’t last, it’s just a fluke. Yu will still be beautiful but soon, Yosuke thinks, he won’t care.

* * *

Teddie turns out to be adorable, and thanks to Naoto’s help he wins the pageant by a landslide. He’s dressed in an Alice costume with a sleek blonde length of hair, blue dress, and apron.

The only prize he wins is the position of honorary judge for the real pageant, but that is enough for Teddie, who immediately begins abusing his power by declaring the girls have to compete in a swimsuit competition. Since he’s the one who brought Teddie, Yosuke’s pretty sure Chie is going to find a way to blame him for the swimsuit debacle so as soon as the announcer releases the contestants Yosuke runs off the stage. He heads for the classroom where his clothes are stashed and grabs them, then runs into the bathroom. As soon as he’s in a stall he tugs the skirt down and it pools around his ankles. His face scrunches in disgust as he steps out of it. He tugs on the bow at his neck until it comes undone and and he pulls it off with more force than strictly necessary.

He’s stuck half in his sweater when the bathroom door opens. It startles him and he bumps his elbow on the wall of the stall. “Damn it,” he mutters, wriggling out of the sweater. His shirt gets stuck in the sweater, pushed up his stomach. He feels ridiculous, standing half dressed in a bathroom stall, and he hopes whoever walked in leaves soon.

“Yosuke?” It’s Yu’s voice, shit, and Yosuke bites his lip to keep from groaning. “Is that you?”

He tips his head back, cursing his luck. “Uh, yeah dude,” he says, “It’s me.” He wrestles the sweater off and smooths the shirt back down. He starts unbuttoning it, hoping that maybe Yu will leave. “Just getting out of these clothes.”

“Ahh. Me, too,” Yu says, going into the stall beside him. Yosuke sees a ball of gray fall to Yu’s feet. The wig’s braids are splayed out, the top crushed in. Yu peels off the tights he’s wearing and under the stall Yosuke can see his pale ankles. He swallows and looks away. There’s a soft sound of cloth rustling and the skirt parachutes down Yu’s legs.

Yosuke pulls his arms out of the shirt and stuffs it in the bag. He rolls the socks down his calves and then tugs them off. He almost loses his balance and his ass bumps into the wall separating him from Yu. With a bitten off curse he balls up the socks and shoves them in with the shirt. He gathers up the skirt and the bow and puts them on top of the socks. His pants come out next and he puts them on as quickly as he can, ignoring the sound of Yu dressing beside him. As soon as his pants are zipped he throws open the door and steps back out into the bathroom. He fights his way into his uniform jacket, leaving it unfastened. He just wants to get away as soon as he can, but he catches his reflection out of the corner of his eye and turns to the mirror, staring at his face still covered in make-up. He growls to himself and turns on the water. He pulls off the eyelashes - which is an incredibly uncomfortable feeling, he thinks - and then splashes his face with cold water. Nothing seems to be coming off, so he scrubs at his cheeks with his hands.

Yu comes out, dressed in his normal clothes, holding a bag with the balled mass of his wig resting on top of his costume. “Trying to get the make-up off?” he asks, slinging the strap of the bag over his shoulder.

“Yeah,” Yosuke says, avoiding his eye. “I guess Chie put on more than I thought.”

Yu stands in front of a sink and reaches into the bag. “Here,” he says. “You need to use a special cleanser to get the make-up off if it’s waterproof. Rise lent it to me.” 

He pumps two squirts of a pearly liquid into his other hand and then hands the bottle to Yosuke. Yosuke watches, enthralled an Yu rubs his fingertips together and then gently massages the cleanser into his face. He’d graceful, as always, his long fingers moving in gentle, methodical circles. His mouth opens just a fraction as he works and Yosuke sees a bite of white teeth, and the edge of a wet, pink tongue. 

His hand trembles as he grabs the bottle. 

Yu splashes water on his face and the cleaner turns milky, with black and beige streaks as the make-up comes off. Looking back to the mirror, Yosuke starts on his own face. Yu finishes, and instead of leaving waits for Yosuke. He takes his time, scrubbing until all the make up is gone and his pale skin is tinged pink. His lips look pinker, too, and fuller, but he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and no color comes off. 

“You ready?” Yu asks. Yosuke flicks the fake eyelashes from the counter into the trash can, and then pulls out his headphones and music player from the bottom of his bag. He stuffs the player in his pocket and fits the headphones in their proper place around his neck. He puts his hands around the large ear cups on either side of his neck for a few seconds, adjusting, letting the familiar feel and weight start to settle him. A drum line beats in his head and he taps to it absently before he moves his hands. “We should probably go support the girls for their pageant.”

What a great guy, Yosuke thinks. And there’s a trace of resentment there, he can feel it where it sits uneasily in his chest. Yu’s a great guy. He knows that Yu just wants to be there for him, to make sure he’s okay, but for once Yosuke doesn’t want his attention. He might, he thinks, just want to be alone. To stall for a little time, half hoping that Yu will leave, he fastens his jacket. But Yu stays, patient, his attention fixed on Yosuke. Once again getting what he wants doesn’t make him any happier. 

“Okay,” he says, with one last look in the mirror. And then he sees his hair. He sighs, exasperated, and Yu grins at him. Yosuke flushes and pulls the little strawberry hair band out of his hair, tossing it onto the counter. He flattens his hair down with the palm of his hand, smoothing it back to its normal style. “Let’s go.” 

He grabs his stuff and walks out. He doesn’t check to see if Yu is following behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOTS OF OBNOXIOUS NOTES!
> 
> 1\. This would have been done day before yesterday, but I ended up doing a lot of research into Japanese make-up trends. Which didn't make it into the story, really, since the game takes place in 2011, but if you want to know the exact shade of blush Chie holds up to Yosuke's face, well... I know that lol. Also how dare you say the extended make-up putting on scene was unnecessary! It was... very... um, necessary.
> 
> 2\. Which only goes to show that my strong "I want Yosuke and Chie to be friends!" bias is showing. I miiiiiiight be setting up for him to talk to her about some stuff later? Who knows?
> 
> 3\. Although oh gosh I'm really happy with how things are shaping up! If there were moments (specifically emotional moments) you thought "Wait why" or something like that, there will be payoff! I'm actually super pumped to write it because everything is coming together so well. I think you guys can already guess there'll be some sort of Yu/Yosuke confrontation scene, and I am really really happy of the trajectory of the story towards that. That probably sounds ridiculous since I'm the one planning this out lol, but sometimes I can't convey what I want to effectively and things get muddled or the characterization is wonky. I hope I've kept everyone (mostly Yosuke) in character!
> 
> 4\. If anyone wants to offer concrit or tell me what you thought, there were a couple of moments, like emotional beats, that didn't turn out as strong as I wanted. But! I also wanted to keep the narration (and action) exterior, so I didn't spend as much time in Yosuke's head as I could have. The moment when Yosuke's looking at himself in the skirt, when Yu wipes off the lip gloss, and the very end are three I can think of immediately. I could have been super flowery and really wrung out some emotions from readers, but I think I'm happy with how this came out (I'll spare the gory technical details of why I decided, I want the words to do the work they're supposed to, I don't want to tell you how to feel lol). Also! I had the moment where Yosuke thinks about wanting all of Yu as my little flowery moment, which if you can believe I trimmed some flowery off of.
> 
> 5\. The hardest part to write was Yosuke taking off his socks. That paragraph sucks lol but it's better than it was.
> 
> 6\. I tried to present this as sensitively as possible. As Yosuke noted, the purpose of this was to humiliate the guys but like... dudes can wear skirts if they want, dang. Also if the game developers wanted me to believe that Yosuke did not look good (which I assume they did from the student comments) then they should not have let P4DAN happen because Yosuke was rocking that outfit.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to come bug me on [tumblr](http://librarian-repellent.tumblr.com) if you want to know anything about the story or if you want to throw tinder on the souyo trash pile of my heart.


End file.
